Inma Seiden Riff vol. 1

Part 1 (Gold Version(unless I find a fatal error))




I am currently starting to write this with the intention of not stopping until the night runs out of darkness.
I am going to riff the first Episode of Inma Seiden and my motivation is already waning but I have got Red Bull to back up my decision, and a pack of cigarettes so let's go.
In the first scene we see a probably thirty five year old woman doing some shinto ritual. In the American version she accomplishes this by mumbling like a demented Hobo (this is going to be a theme in the movie), and sweating as if she were sitting in a steam bath.
To ease the eyes she is wearing a view through garment (I generally like how some hentai brings you through the boring exposition parts by filling them with naked people), I also like the indication that there is a Shinto god who only answers to the prayers of sweaty women barley clinging onto their status of fuckable.
Then the fire roars for a quick moment half of the shrine catches fire, and purple haired women moans like a ninety year old enjoying the last fuck of her life, all while looking like zombie on meth.


"Whazzap!?"

Already reaching for your drug of choice?
Well that isn't all of it two spirits that look like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds if she did speed are shot into the heavens where they combine and shoot of into four directions.
Lightning strikes and the fates of four characters who will be faced with the epic struggle of getting enough character development to even justify a name. (They really are just a bunch of rape victims, magical rape, but rape non the less.)

We go back to Purple haired woman, she is looking like a heroin junkey after five hours of cold turkey in an hot air vent, and has this bit of cryptic wisdom for us:
"The Stars have landed." (So all zombies in the area better shuffle off, and get a job while they're at it! (They aren't all that intimidated by that claim, and show up later in the movie, because they own that neighborhood!))

(Fun Fact: We actually had to fly in that resident evil reference.)

Fade to white!
Cut to our one faithful companion the opening sequence! (He'll be with us all six episodes of this crap.)
First we see Short Brown Haired Girl attaching a spell written on a post it note (How else do they stick to the enemies?) to the head of what looks like, to put it in Miss Garrison's words: "The offspring of a fish's retard baby, that had butt sex with a centipede." (And it's yellow with evil red eyes!)
Of course since this is the opening sequence this magic post it explodes the shit out of the centipedes head. Another centipede sits in the background, doing nothing, and it's head also blows up, probably from surprise that it's wife just died. (Maybe that's how those magic post-its work? They just surprise enemies so much that their head blows up!)


"We are the reason cousins shouldn't marry!"

We see that this explosion was probably supposed to have been the result of glasses girl, doing something, probably killing something from two hundred yards away with mind bullets, that young nasty woman.
Next up is grey haired girl who gets spit fire by one of the centipedes, those things are really just explosions waiting to happen, well grey haired girl cuts the centipede (I really don't give a fuck anymore what these things are.) into four blocks, ready to be shipped off to the next chinese all you can eat. Since it already blew it's wad by spitting fire we get cheated out of an explosion.
We cut to two centipedes laying a barrage of fire on the incoming:
Fire Demon &
Water Demon



"I always wanted to see what five year olds would draw with a billion YEN budget!"

They currently are their fun size versions that the girls carry them around in but grow into full fledged demons half a second later, so even the people busy rubbing one out can get what is going on.
They basically fly into the centipedes faces, and kick them so hard that their heads become an explosion of blood. The centipede kicked by the fire demon literally has its eyes knocked out of its skull, or shell (or WTF I don't care, inter species retard breeding isn't my major) making it look like it's really surprised by something in the area of the demons crotch.
Then short brown haired girl jumps down from, whatever batman jumps down from when he faces villans on a skyscrapers rooftop, lands and does a "fingerbang" (South Park references all must go!) with her hand firing the post-it towards the camera(OK even I can't explain that one.). Beside her glasses and grey hair are striking poses as if this was an assembly of team rocket. (By the way if you think for one second that they will work together, at any moment without anybody forcing them you are dead wrong!


(There because it made my retard brain laugh...)

Then the demons pop in with a faster than the human eye to herald their epic speed and the fact that the animators wanted to cut this turd loose about as bad as I.
Then the name of the series gets burned into wood (yehaw).
Cut to a couple of girls talking about the fact that girls are being attacked! By a giant with a face mask! Named Iron Mask! Come to liberate france! Or rape japanese school girls, whatever fits his schedule better, I guess.
They all walk to the indoor swimming pool because they want to see Miss Carey swim! So they all cheer while we wait for this pointless scene to be over, the fact that the whole cheering is done by one person, and an unmotivated choir of background voices doesn't help.
We learn that Short Brown Haired Girl who seemingly got her hair dyed black just for the occasion congratulates her sister on dominating the competition so much that it was boring for the viewers, and humiliating for the other swimmers. Carey is helped out of the pool by her sister but is to busy to try wooing us with her looks, and her ability to stuff five pounds of hair under her bathing cap, to thank her.
As soon as she is done with that, and found the time to put on her glasses, she bitches at her sister for not showing up for the archery club. (As we will learn in consecutive installments this girl is a bitch, to the point of having to make up creative new ways of torture, just to fuck with her dad, and everyone else for that matter.)
Brown haired girl just tries to make up an excuse, as if we are supposed to believe anyone has the mental fortitude to keep up a conversation with Carey, and not utter the phrase: "I'll kill you bitch!" Two sentences into it. Of course her sister doesn't even react but instead sits down on the bench and starts looking like a severely catatonic cow in India.
It turns out brown haired girl and a rape victim (That gets it's first two seconds of awkward stuttering cleverly disguised as character development.) are looking for a class mate that went missing. Anyone remember Iron Mask, I guess he is going after the school girls.
Carey of course says that it was probably mister Iron Mask, showing she is a caring individual after all, as in caring how people die, but only if their deaths are horrible enough.
This pisses off short brown haired girl, and she runs of dragging rape victim behind her.
Carey wonders if she said something wrong, so she is so much of a bitch that she considers this normal behavior.
She decides to ask Bodai the water Demon she carries around, since bathing suits have no pockets I am guessing he was hiding where only a body cavity search could find him.
He says that Carey should be nicer, which is as effective as telling a rabid pit bull to protect an infant.
Carey then complains that Demons are showing a suspicious lot of activity these days (Not like the good old days where a girl could leave the house without being triple penetrated by tentacles.) causing rumors to spread.
So she starts addressing a spider as Akira. But any hopes that she has lost her mind, and will be put out of her misery by mandatory euthanasia, are destroyed when some grey haired Griffith looking dude answers the call:


"Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Spiderphone."
(Try getting it out of your head this time!!!)

He says he is worried about his lady AKA short brown haired girl. And says that Carey can't be her sister because she is way to straight laced. (I think they also can't be twins because Carey would have strangled her sister with the umbilical cord in an attempt to be friendly.
Cut to the women's rest room (finally).
Were a rape victim is bend over a sink making weird noises and sweating. And no, no goods are on display yet. Well because Shinto gods, and demons seem to be into that whole sweat thing it doesn't take long for one to show up. He has a pointless monologue, claiming that she must accept him. (That's asdfycdx (sorry I had to taser, and tie up Paris Hilton) the opposite of cold!)
She is literally taken aback by the statements he is making, and moves backwards into the middle of the room. (You know so she can be attacked from all sides.) Then the demon starts to use his hobo mumbling skills to summon:
A WARD OF EVIL MAGICS!!!(Also some tentacles.)
(For anyone who is still reading I am currently at the six minute mark.)
(And if anyone cares these are red tentacles that move like worms.)


Enjoy this safe for work picture of this WARD OF EVIL MAGICS! (Taken half a second before her blouse rips!!! (I am so proud of myself *sob*))

The fun part is that for a moment Rape Victim stands there with her legs spread apart looking at the tentacles with slight horror on her face (professional rapists know that's the most consent they are ever going to get). Then she tries to make a run for it but gets caught by a tentacle that has lubed up at this point (which is a pretty stupid even for rape tentacles, or pretty smart on Rape Victims part, because the lube makes it easier for her to slip out of their grasp) but still catch her with no difficulty at all (outsmarting tentacles... stupid school girl, that's just dumb...), and immediately start doing what they were drawn to do.
The tentacle actually stimulates her clit, which probably makes it the biggest gentleman of his species. So she starts throwing herself about with lust, and the tentacle decides to invite itself in. That's pretty much when it goes from bad to hentai for Rape Victim because she starts putting up a fuss. Well the tentacles stop acting like a gentlemen. They throw her to the ground, and penetrate her. While all this is happening the Demon who summoned the buggers starts saying that:
"Resistance is futile you are trapped in my energy shield!" Because that awesome energy shield has done what up to this point? He could have trapped her in a paper bag, and the tentacles would still be doing their job. The Demon is probably really proud of it. ("I spend two semester studying those at the university, who is the Nerd now Fret Demons Muhahaha!)
Fun fact: You can actually hear that girls hymen being ripped apart, it was apparently made of paper.
Because the girl is apparently not being fucked up hard enough already the Demon decides to call in the cavalry, his great Commander King! (No he is not referring to his dick.)
Commander King shows up, and turns out to be a vampire turtle with a huge tongue for a cock.
Really? The guy looks like a Power Ranger Villain, who managed to also get into in the top ten of the sex offenders registry.


"So what it's a lifestyle choice!"

The tentacles start acting like gentlemen again, and offer the vagina to King Vampire Turtle. This teaches an important lesson to the kids, because sharing is important, and tentacles are still in the ass, so everyone gets a piece.
The tongue has the size of a traffic cone, so as it enters you hear something else rip, my guess is that it probably was the skin keeping Rape Victims vagina and rectum to separate things, and Vampire Turtle King just tasted that, plus blood, plus whatever a slimy tentacle that must have been up there for at least three minutes tastes like. All because his mother smoked crack while she was pregnant with him or something.
Fun fact: The thought that all three parties seem to be enjoying this just made me vomit in my mouth.
As the girl orgasms(WTF) she starts glowing blue, and some rune starts appearing on her stomach, also glowing blue (I find rather realistic when comparing it to the orgasm.)
The Demon says another bunch of irrelevant stuff, and spills a D grade evil laughter.
Just in time to have his cheek cut by one of Akira's "cut everything" wires (Horray, our hero arriving in time to survey the damsels gaping ass cunt. (That's the medical term.)
Fun fact: If you can still remember who the fuck Akira is you are on Ritalin.
Vampire Turtle King and his fantastic tongue dick are having an appearance later, so instead of being cut apart by the wires that were already wrapped around it, it pulls a kage bunshin (dissolves into smoke) and is not heard of until needed.
Why did Akira do that? Because he had to help somebody else? Because that awesome forcefield held him back? No. He does it because he does not like to see short brown haired girl upset. (Because one of your friends coming down with a case of gaping ass cunt isn't unsettling to a teenager at all).
Akira, probably because he has nothing better to do, unlike before he saved that girl, picks her up.
Scene. (You just know he won't be getting whatever slime, shit, and blood this girl is leaking out of his suit.)
Cut back to Demon being scolded by Bud Spencer in a Scientology style robe (I couldn't make this up if I tried).


"Two Fists against Supressive Persons!" (Hey I would join that cult if they had Bud Spencer, he's like Chuck Norris's cousin.)

Bud says that Demon has only been trouble. (It's not really his fault that Akira finished his Coffee faster than usual, and had the spare time to save that girl.)
He is interrupted by purple haired woman from the beginning of the film, and sadly for all the sweat freaks, she is no drenched. She says she will give him another chance (because they still have to fill fifteen minutes of film with this crap), and we get some more D grade evil laughing.

Meanwhile in the ACETC (Ass cunt Emergency Treatment Centre):
We see the school nurse trying to lower Rape Victim's fever by putting a cold towel on her head. What would this bitch do if Rape Victim had been shot in the foot instead of ripped open by a tongue the size of a fucking traffic cone, would School Nurse rub her neck with Aloe Vera?
Of course as a School Nurse she has to bitchily demand an explanation from Akira, probably because the left Rape Victim stuffed in his locker for three hours, because he had to go to the dentist. Well using her knowledge of medical science School Nurse determines that Rape Victim has in fact:
BEEN RAPED!!!
When she asks Akira, if he knows anything about that, he just says: "No, no it's not like that." (It does take some balls to claim to have raped somebody so hard, that they can now pick up traffic cones using only their genitals.)


"Uh, I kinda raped that chick my bad!"

After having established his dick doubles as a murder weapon Akria listens to some exposition, kindly provided by the School Nurse:
She has taken care of many rape victims in this ward (not that any of them have gotten better) but all of the raped girls seem to have disappeared shortly afterwards!
Akira more concerned with not giving a fuck than anything else calms the nurse down, saying she was thinking to much about this. (Yeah, now that you claimed to be the rapist, the lack of police involvement is probably very much to your likeing
Cut to:
Shot brown haired girl, and the rape victim are walking down a corridor when short brown haired girl's spider sense tingles, or something. So she has Rape Victim go ahead alone while she checks out the disturbance in the force. (Maybe it's Fengshui or something, asians are probably total furniture Jedi.) Rape victim turns around, and sees short brown haired girl walk through the fucking door, which gives Rape Victim a mental breakdown.
We see grey haired girl observe them, and learn from the Fire Demon (the one whose shlong makes fish retard centipede's eyes bug out) that her name is Hitomi and she hates short brown haired girl for some reason, (It really shows the quality of this Riff when I'm not even able to figure out WTF short brown haired girls name is, even though she is the main character) but she shuts him up by not changing her facial expression for five seconds.
Meanwhile inside of the awesome ENERGY FIELD!!!

Short brown haired girl is inside of the awesome ENERGY FIELD!!! (I am writing it like that because it is three o' clock in the morning, and I am getting bored of writing dick jokes. All caps always gives me the pick me up I need.)
Short brown haired girl asks herself what the purpose of this energy field coud be. (Take a wild guess.) We already see the tentacles hanging from the ceiling, like the buggers of a lung cancer patient (god I am really starting to suck now).
So Short Brown Haired girl bursts them by signing "Hail Satan", and staring at them evilly (So I guess tentacles and christian moms have a common weakness). They explode into precum, but non of it seems to hit short brown haired girl, so why the fuck did these things explode in the first place?
Next she meets Iron Mask who menaces her by staring almost as evilly as she when she took out the tentacles. Short brown haired girl says in shock and awe:
"This can't be you are from the land of death!"
France is more commonly referred to as the "Vagina of Europe" but, yeah I'll take it.
Well since short brown haired girl is in trouble now, so she uses her most powerful spell. (Apparently she doesn't shoot her magic post its but magic energy by forming the "fingerbang" gesture.)
All this accomplishes is to make Iron Masks robe flutter up to his hip.


"What does the Japanese girl say about his power Level (AKA:Dicksize) Vegeta?"



"It's over nine thousand!"

Awed by Iron Masks resistance to her powers, and his giant dick, Short Brown Haired Girl Takes a step back in fear. Only to see Iron Mask hover above the ground, carging, and firing his lazah eyes.
This throws Short Brown Haired Girl back, and knocks the wind out of her. Iron Mask then uses his lazah to pick her up and make her float to the ceiling (everything is coolah with da lazah).

Fun Fact:



Apperantly Bioware employees look no further than Hentai, if they need inspiration for weird Psy powers. (WTF? I guess it explains all that hot, and sweaty alien sex...)

Apparently realizing this he lets her fall down to the floor. (I would pay for a Cleanex anyone at that company jizzed into.) Then he picks her up again. (This reads, just about as boringly as it looks in the movie) He makes her float towards his dick. (You know give a guy lazer eyes and he can't even choke up the money for a BJ, cause he can get them usin da lazar).
Unsurprisingly she is saved in the last second by Hitomi who is so awesome that Iron Mask, makes a face like an insulted Drag queen and runs off, which is quite a daunting task, since the guy does not seem to have legs, exept his third one.



"WTF was that! Oh I am so giving up on girls!"

I guess you can't Evil the gay away either ask Buffelo Bill...


End of Part one!