So now that short brown haired girl was saved by Hitomi, (Hitomi did this by flying in, grabbing her hand, and then literally dropping them on a roof), and Iron Mask has shown to the world once again that the gays are easily offended, we cut to both Hitomi and short brown haired girl (I really didn't catch her name, Sorry) Lying on a roof, legs spread for the pantie shot.
Short Brown Haired Girl starts thanking Hitomi, who expositions that Short Brown Haired girl is her Cousin.
Then she snaps back into the useless bitching technique her family is renowned for: "As my cousin don't you dare show yourself to me when you are pathetic." Well no wonder short brown haired girl doesn't know she has a cousin.
"But I'm really good at being pathetic..."
She claims that her mother would be really sad to see short brown haired girl like that, promptly that demon sitting on her had chimes in: "Oh she'll be sad." And because even the guy who wrote this script thought that was stupid, he (un)funnily falls out of Hitomi's hair.
After this laughgasm we are treated to:
Brown haired girl trying to convince Hitomi to cram even more exposition into this stillborn of a scene. She wants to know more about this Iron Mask dude. Well it turns out that Hitomi will have non of that shit, so she tells Short Brown Haired girl: "You make me sick, I am so irritated right now." (God forbid we would get some interesting exposition.)
(Want an example? Say Iron Mask was the brutal ruler of a kingdom, and he wielded a sword made from the blood of all the chicks he raped to death. But the inhabitants revolted, and iron mask was imprisoned in a dark cell. The sword was reforged into a mask that was placed on his face while still glowing red hot, so it was burned into his face so bad that he couldn't rip it off. However the vengeful spirits of all the virgins he raped drove him mad!(NOOOOO!)) (That's easy really...) But then again, we are talking about this dude...)
"Hey there Boys I can work some magic with those hands,
and I mean tentacle magic!"
And now for Carey talking to Akira while taking a shower (that's what I am talking about interesting exposition).
"Naked Chicks make learning fun!"
Carey says that if short brown haired girl had been raped by Iron mask it might have been problematic.
I think it's great that Akira is not even scolded for completely failing the task given to him (he suddenly realized that there were 50 something friend invites on myspace he had to take care of). Then again in Carey's twisted perception he was probably doing exactly what she would have done. So horray for Akira.
He also mentions that he never would have imagined Hitomi coming to the aid of short brown haired girl, because helping a dying family member is probably beyond his scope of ethics.
Well it turns out Carey is going to punish (!) Hitomi for helping her "sister" out. Wow...
Because this is her high school (WTF), well I guess when Carey leaves family members to die she means it. She then continues this friendly conversation by telling Akira that he is currently in the girls shower room. (For all of you that missed it this is supposed to be funny. Akira is probably just trying to boost his rapist reputation.)
Cut to School Nurse yelling "Principle" in a hilariously overdramtised voice, at Purple Haired Woman.
"Yello luv, OI have a British accent!
By the way school girls are getting raped."
This prompts Purple Haired Woman to rattle off that Rape Victim left the school out of her own free will, and she does not know what the fuck happened to her since. She probably does not even care seeing how she is related to Carey.
To ham this scene right up to the stratosphere, School Nurse busts out her British accent. I did not notice before that she was supposed to have one because unlike the writers I don't think sounding like a complete douche equals British (close but no).
Nurse is pissed off at Purple haired woman for not trying to do anything about that whole rape incident, if she knew anything about that family not doing anything is probably their definition of kindness. Well since Purple haired woman can't find anything to say in her defense (or simply considers this normal behavior) she starts hitting on School Nurse calling her by her first name, and telling her how attractive she is when angry.
"Did I tell you I'm a Bisexual?
You know I'm just trying to cram in as much sex as possible before I hit fourty."
Cut to some Shinto temple.
What follows is clearly the best part of the entire series, as we get to see for the first time ever, something that equals a crazed homeless man in a hentai anime!
HOLY SHIT YES!!!
At first we see him yelling: "Rikako" While scurrying on the ground like a rodent, but because this is no japanese children's television show he notices the girl tied up against the wall right beside him.
Now we get to the meat and potatoes of this scene, with crazy homeless man starting to suck on tied up girls tits, while she says: "My name is Minako not Rikako!"
Wow this is really like an episode of blues clues with homeless men and rape, you know like in the original japanese version!
"That's right kids, Minako has brown hair while Rikako has black hair!
That's the final clue!
Now you have to yell to it out real loud so Blue the Insane Shrine Hobo does not rape the innocent female!"
(And fuck yes this is totally safe for work! No matter what that Chief of Staff has to say about it.)
But since the kids did not yell something to make the shrine Hobo realise the error of his ways (I mean Minako is really close you have to hand him that). He forcefully spreads tied up girls legs, so let the mating begin! Well what follows is pretty standard rape sex (I am aware that every rapist has his own standard but we have to agree on somethings right? I mean if we were a little more understanding of one another that Rape 08 thing would really have taken off!)
Oh and by the way, tied up girl says in a hilarious omg I am being raped voice: "Please just stop it!" I don't think soccer mom grade scoldings, and fighting off rapists mix very well, but who am I to judge.
Well then she says that she is cumming because we all no those hentai girls really can't say no.
Then the Shrine Hobo goes (I want to start a religion with Shrine Hobos):
"OMG Rika it feels so good!" Sounding like a premature ejaculator heralding his failure.
And sure enough about half a minute into the fucking, he is done.
Does this stupid movie want to cheat me out of every great sex scene? They cut this guy short but later on Vampire Turtle King (Give yourself a little golden star if you remembered him) gets all the screen time in the world.
Tongue Dick does not equal crazy hobo in coolness.
Whatever picture illustrates this definately isn't save for work.
There is no way in hell that equitation could ever be balanced out.
Anyway we see Hitomi looking at that scene like she is determined to do something (Probably watching that Hobo all day long, since it never gets old. Those guys are the clowns of today.)
Well cut to Hitomi laying on her bed while Fire Demon, expositions that the Hobo was actually her father, and that he is being held prisoner inside of the shrine. Also that he is probably raping Tied Up Girl every second he is awake.
So every time this movie shows you anything you dislike, you can think of all the Hentai Hobo sex you are missing. Fuck!
So then she says the following: "I just wonder what it would feel like to be made love to by a man."
I can understand that perfectly, when I am watching my parents, I always wonder what guy on guy action feels like.
WTF you can put a line like that in a hentai manga, and no one cares because the sheer general insanity of that publication.
Hell I would have forgiven them for that line if they had shown her masturbating watching her father. But instead she was just standing there staring, wasting screen time.
Fire Demon chimes in that he will be the:
"First man to make love to her." Proving that the guy who translated this into English does not know the difference between demons and humans. By the way the demon is always hot tubing in Hitimi's tea which is cute, until she actually drinks it.
Fire Man (Hey I apparently miscategorised the thing.) then cautions her not to sleep around until he gets to bang her.
Jep, he is a real serial rapeing boy alright!
Well then Hitomi says that she should have let Mai (short brown haired girl, finally only a few thousand letters into this bloody riff, now I can demand an award for this work) get raped by Iron Mask (she says that with the same voice you would use to scold yourself if you didn't take out the trash).
While she does that Fire Man has a bit of of screen slapstick, because he gets tea in his ear. (Because we all know the only funny part of slapstick is the voice, which is why Steven Hawking's interpretation of the Marks Brothers (also starring Christopher Reeves, and Professor X) rocks the stage every time.)
Well cut to: Mai and two Rape Victims are sitting in the park. (Cause that's the place all rape victims love to be.) It turns out they are staying there, because Rape Victim N°1 doesn't know how to tell her parents. I also would have a hard time explaining exactly why I shit from my vagina. (You really start to get the vibe that this is Carey's high school, they just send rape victims home without any further comment. Either that or Akria doubles as their school councilor, he probably went home early, because he had to clean out his septic tank.)
Mia says that Rape Victim N°1, and °2 can stay at her mansion for the night, so Rape Victim can feel safe.
Fun fact: This is the house where all the people responsible for Rape Victims suffering live, so Horray.
Mai's then Mai's Tentacle sense starts tingling:
"My Tentacle sense is tingling,
but why, shoulndn't we be perfectly save in a public park?"
As the tentacles prepare to attack Rape Victim N°1 gets a flash back, you really start feeling sorry (for half a nanosecond) for her because she can't catch a break. So Mai signs Hail Satan, and the dark lord grants her an energy field.
"SHEMHAMFORASH!!!" (Means hail Satan in ancient Enochian.)
The tentacles can't get through so Demon (the guy behind this attack) starts to mumble drunkenly, and summons the Vampire Turtle King, he actually looks nothing like the old version and now has tentacles of his own. (By the way, yes we are still in the first episode.)
"Wow, summon Monster VII rocks!"
The fact that we saw the original version four seconds ago in a flashback, makes this image change nothing short of fucking rediculous. (Although it's safe to assume that half the audience has already wanked their brains out at this point, so who cares.)
So Vampire Turtle Commander King wants to rape those girls really bad, so he lashes at them with tentacles (probably at Mach fucking 10), then this happens:
Tentacles
+
Japanese Girl
=
Huge Fucking Explosions!
I can't quite put my finger on the mistake in that equasion...
Of course Mai, and the Rape Victims (*Your Name* and the Rape Victims, would be a pretty cool band, by the way...) were inside the force field, so everything is fine. Well Rape Victim N°1 is menaced by tentacles, but N°2 comes to her aid, cutting off the Tentacles with a Giave. (Why was she packing a pole arm? Well hell if I went to Carey's high school I wouldn't even take a walk on the grounds without sniper support.)
"Facing huge demons with a pole arm,
keeping my virginity in a subwaycart, it's all the same to me..."
Mai is still weakened by keeping up the force field so she can only look up to Rape Victim N°2 admiringly.
Well since Vampire Turtle King will have non of that bullshit the sends out some more tentacles, which of course takes Rape Victim N°2 by surprise. Oh, and then shit starts blowing up!
"Wow that city really has a problem with people burying their illegal chinese fireworks in the park."
But before the collective universe can finish shouting WTF!
We see that Akira has stepped in to save the day (He was probably on the way to Home Depot, because he needed parts for that septic tank.)
I don't even know why people keep mixing force fields, and tentacles, they must just really love huge explosions.
He says he won't have a problem with Vampire Turtle King because he is stronger than Mai. (Mai I have come to save you because you suck balls!) (This all could have been easily avoided by simply putting in more effort, and killing this guy back when he had the chance. Then Akria casts some spell of magic bullet and reduces the demon to it's subatomic particles. (You see a little red light appear at the end, which probably means we are going to have to see him again.)
Apparently there are two levels of ownage Dead, and Team Rocket.
Well while we are all distracted by Akiras ownage, Iron Mask captures Rape Victim N°1, and takes her through:
An invisible Portal!
Wow now that's just awesome. Mai is of course jumps in after Iron Mask, and in a notably huge success manages to follow through same Invisible Portal.
She ends up at the temple of the peacock god (told you Iron Mask was a fag), and Iron Mask has Rape Victim N°1 suspended above the roof of the temple using his lazer eyes. He hovers up beside her, summons up a bed of glowing runes under her, and before this can get romantic, he calls in some tentacles to do the deed, because he doesn't roll that way.
Meanwhile we get the occasional shot of Mai banging against the forcefield (guess she watches to much Rune Solider)
"Sorry I can't help you I'm trapped behind glass..."
(Wow I definetly will use that excuse, the next time I want to skip out on something.)
This continues until the rune on Rape Victim's stomach "Is fiering it's lazar!" It really looks like it.
I am not even shitting you:
(I did not just spend half an hour in paint creating this bullshit...)
Said huge fucking lazer creates a sword in some demon dudes hand, and we cut to Purple Haired Woman looking stoked about it.
And before any of you think, Iron Mask is going to make an exit without doing anything gay, trust me he doesn't disappoint.
After having blown her load, rape victim dies, falls off the shrine, and lays dead on the ground. Because the force field is down (if I was Iron Mask I would have kept that thing up and taunted Mai for at least half an hour) Mai runs up, and gets to mourn Rape Victim. How does she even know the bitch?
We don't get an explanation. Maybe it's just a chick thing, you know like with movies, only for well for lack of a better word (or grip on reality) real.
She then looks up at Iron mask, who looks at her like a gay snob:
"Did I mention I am tightly gay?"
Well now Mai has a reason to get some sweet revenge on Iron Mask, and I can pop in the next episode and torture myself.
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