Oh and:
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I don't forgive, and I don't forget, my blog has over ninethousand words all raping your brain!
That's pretty much it, I am over nine thousand, If I keep this speed up this blog is going to be pretty great at the end of next year. I might also start posting the reviews as pdf files in a side bar. Whatever works I guess, I feel this blogging thing is really working out for me, and once I finish of Inma Seiden I am going to sink my teeth into princess 69 the one Hentai so twisted it is the most accurate depiction of bat shit insanity (and trust me I was an intern in a fucking looney bin once I know my crazies).
Oh and:
Oh and:
Friday, October 17, 2008
Inma Seiden Riff Volume 2 Part 1
The second episode starts of with Rape Victim being killed by Iron Mask. Which is a pretty good start. Well Iron Mask tries to rape Mai with tentacles, because hey, he's on a roll, right?
But it turns out that Iron Mask pissed off the wrong magical girl, because she opens up a can of magical Whop Ass on him.
She does that by crying blood (well for mourning a girl you didn't even know ten minutes ago that putting it on a little thick), and yelling "How dare you kill Rape Victim!" (Not that anyone would have stopped him until five seconds ago.) Then she starts forming a force field around herself (a blue one that seemingly does not explode tentacles but disintegrates them in a more Eco friendly fashion).
To make the whole thing even more confusing, she flies about a hundred feet into the background. (Probably making this bit of Hoodoo useless indoors, unless you destroy half of the building you are standing in, which rarely ever seems to concern anyone in Magical Girl Anime.) Then some kind of spirit appears in front of her, and it looks exactly like Yooko from XXX Holic! WTF!
So is iron mask really just Yooko's bitch man servant gone berserk?
And why is she dead anyhow, with all her divination skills shouldn't she have seen it coming?
Would the guy (or gal) who made the original manga rather commit Seppuku than crediting this hentai at the end of every chapter?
The world may never know...
Now you may call bullshit on me, but this isn't the last time we'll see XXX holic using this as reference material.
You don't believe me? Well first of all the Manga is called XXX holic but we never see the bitch man servant get L.A.I.D., so the original author probably planned the Manga as a Hentai, stealing from Inma Seiden (Your life is pretty much worthless, if you even consider doing that.). But it ended up as a real Manga instead.
So now I am probably going to get assassinated by Ninjas, since everyone involved with the XXX holic franchise fears the day anyone discovers it's unfortunate relation to Inma Seiden.
Well after forcing me to side track for what seemed like half an hour, the spirit goes away. Dropping Mai's now naked body, on top of Rape Victim, and let me tell you the effects of pussy do stack...
After that we see a Nine Tailed fox appear on top of the shrine, doing nothing useful.
Well let's get our old friend the intro out of the way (the guys who made this anime used the good old copy and past technique, and so will I):
First we see Short Brown Haired Girl attaching a spell written on a post it note (How else do they stick to the enemies?) to the head of what looks like, to put it in Miss Garrison's words: "The offspring of a fish's retard baby, that had butt sex with a centipede." (And it's yellow with evil red eyes!)
Of course since this is the opening sequence this magic post it explodes the shit out of the centipedes head. Another centipede sits in the background, doing nothing, and it's head also blows up, probably from surprise that it's wife just died. (Maybe that's how those magic post-its work? They just surprise enemies so much that their head blows up!)
"We are the reason cousins shouldn't marry!"
We see that this explosion was probably supposed to have been the result of glasses girl, doing something, probably killing something from two hundred yards away with mind bullets, that young nasty woman.
Next up is grey haired girl who gets spit fire by one of the centipedes, those things are really just explosions waiting to happen, well grey haired girl cuts the centipede (I really don't give a fuck anymore what these things are.) into four blocks, ready to be shipped off to the next chinese all you can eat. Since it already blew it's wad by spitting fire we get cheated out of an explosion.
We cut to two centipedes laying a barrage of fire on the incoming:
Fire Demon &
Water Demon
"I always wanted to see what five year olds would draw with a billion YEN budget!"
They currently are their fun size versions that the girls carry them around in but grow into full fledged demons half a second later, so even the people busy rubbing one out can get what is going on.
They basically fly into the centipedes faces, and kick them so hard that their heads become an explosion of blood. The centipede kicked by the fire demon literally has its eyes knocked out of its skull, or shell (or WTF I don't care, inter species retard breeding isn't my major) making it look like it's really surprised by something in the area of the demons crotch.
Then short brown haired girl jumps down from, whatever batman jumps down from when he faces villains on a skyscrapers rooftop, lands and does a "fingerbang" (South Park references all must go!) with her hand firing the post-it towards the camera(OK even I can't explain that one.). Beside her glasses and grey hair are striking poses as if this was an assembly of team rocket. (By the way if you think for one second that they will work together, at any moment without anybody forcing them you are dead wrong!
(There because it made my retard brain laugh...)
Then the demons pop in with a faster than the human eye to herald their epic speed and the fact that the animators wanted to cut this turd loose about as bad as I.
Cut to:
Apocalypse in Japan:
Wow this combines the Japanese being owned by Godzilla,
and crashing cars, I couldn't be more racist if I copy and pasted Mein Kampf!
No for real now:
Crap the Japanese are still crashing their cars! On the second try! Damn it!
No I am really going to get it right this time I swear:
Wow Hitler looks like some gangster Rapper on that cover...
Well he did fuck up peoples shit...
Now that that is out of the way, cut to:
Carey's High School, where everything is normal, and nobody seems to be giving a fuck about Japan getting kicked the living shit out of itself by every force of nature imaginable (So, yes I am quite sure Godzilla is involved.).
But after all the explosions that happen due to the magical girls, they probably just don't buy into that whole apocalypse thing anymore...
By the way this apocalypse is never even talked about again...
"How the hell am I supposed to write three pages on:
"The World is ending!
Don't you fucking kids get it! We are all gonna die!""
Cut back to Purple Haired Woman, and Carey scheming in the Principal's office of evil!
Carey says that Rape Victim's death has been covered up nicely by telling everyone she has transferred to another school, and yes the fact that this even works makes everyone at Carey's school seem to be severely retarded. (Serously that's the only thing they did, it is never talked about again.)
As Carey walks out of the room, she says there is rumours of a forbidden ritual being performed by Purple Haired Woman, and asks her to stop that, then Carey cautions her not to play with fire. Because we all know Asians are highly flammable.
Curiously google doesn't find any pictures of Asian people burning to death in the Square of Heavenly Peace, or of any protesters there, so it probably was just a lie spread by imperialist Americans...
Bud Spencer High Priest of Scientology informs us, that Demon has found another Rape Victim. Purple Haired woman, orders her raped at the temple of the world without colours (Charly Chaplin is a Taoist god? Who knew?)
Cut to Demon, seducing some green haired girl in the band room. He gives her the standard hentai naughty talk, which causes the Rape Victim to call him mean.
She then tells Demon that she loves him, which makes her a Consenting Woman. Good for her! (I guess.)
Demon calls her quite the aggressive one, which means that consent is probably the best feedback he has gotten from a woman he had sex with up to this point.
Cut back to Mai sitting in her class, listening to a lecture by Akira, about a poem that was probably written when opium was still legal.
Mai looks around, and realises that no one notices Rape Victim N°1 is gone. So they really are retarded, there is no indication of any magic being worked here, they have just been told that she transferred, and promptly forgot about that as well. (Or maybe rape vitim was just a severly unpopular loner.)
Well Mai isn't paying attention so she gets hit on the forehead with a piece of chalk, and Akira asks her if his lectures bore her.
She says yes (!), and excuses herself:
"Well now that she's gone let me tell you the story of how I raped that chick!"
Cut to:
Hitomi having a dream about how she first met Fire Man. Well we get to see him in his hulked out form, tongue hanging out saying: "You look delicious."
The way he says it makes me believe he comes from the retarded circle of hell.
Of course Hitomi is scared shitless, because she just ended up in a Rancor pit without a light saber.
She runs away, crying for her mother (!), keep in mind they didn't even bother to draw a younger version of her.
The demon says, he already killed her, so guess who is next on the list. Of course she trips, falls down, and now there is only a pretty pathetic energy shield keeping her from the demon. (Like she has any right to bitch at Mai... (But then again Mai probably would have managed to trap herself inside her own energy shield with the demon.)
Of course the demon pops the shield like a soap bubble using red lightning from his forehead, and says:
"I will eat you, but I am going to rape you first!"
"Just wait for me to get my strap-on, and we'll take it from there baby!"
But before anyone can point out how retarded that idea really is, Fire Man get's hit by a magic dodge ball, and yells, while flying into oblivion: "Hitomi you are my woman, and don't you forget it!" Like some fended off drunk husband. Well the ball of Magic was fired off by Purple Haired Woman, who consoles Hitomi saying, she can be her daughter now.
Hitomi seemingly likes the idea, and hugs her.
(If you want to know how this scene even got to happen all I can figure out is, that Hitomi's real mother chose to raise her in hell, stark naked. (I guess she was part of some satanic Nudist colony). (Maybe Carey is Hitomi's sister, who knows, I mean growing up in hell would explain her behaviour.) So I guess purple Haired woman, and Hitomi's Mom really got along well.)
"I killed your mother, and I am going to rape you!"
Fire Man the flaming new Christmas gift only at Toys 'R Us!
Both Hitomi and Fire Man are still on the roof. Once Fire Man wakes up he reminds Hitomi that her class has already started. Hitomi says nothing. (Her mind probably locked up when she considered, that her only friend is the man that murdered her mother.)
Cut to Consenting Woman getting fingerbanged by demon:
Three seconds into this she starts begging for cock. To milk the masturbation loop for five seconds longer, Demon asks Consenting Female:
"Do you really want it that badly?" WTF? Didn't she already beg you for your dick?
What is she going to say: "You know I was just thinking, and I remembered I'm gay, so uhm sorry to have bothered you."
Since even this movie is not retarded enough to have this happen we are treated to demon, fucking Consenting Woman doggie style.
He really doesn't bang her all that hard, it even looks like he is kind of bored with it, so I guess they shouldn't have made the animators work overtime.
Well of course we see the rune light up, so Iron Mask shows up seconds later:
(Also the girl is sweaty now, which probably also plays a part in it.)
Accompanied by a harp being strummed! (Hell even the sound engineer thinks the guy is a fag.)
"Well duh, I don't even leave the house without harps anymore honey!"
Demon tells Iron mask that Consenting Woman is all his. We cut to:
"Hey hey, come on let me fuck you Hitomi, alright!" (Fire man really sounds like some sort of twisted doll.)
Before we get to really enjoy deep character development Mai is walks onto the roof. "Come on don't tease me like that-" *Sweet ring of a well earned Bitchslap* "Oooh Shit!"
(Seriously Fire Man should be used for something, hell let's make this dude the mascot of "Rape 09 - Eqal Opportunities" I bet he would be total a kids magnet!)
Mai asks Fire Man if Hitomi is being mean to him (the Sexual Harassment Panda, really skimped on his job in that area code).
Hitomi tells her: "Don't spoil him too much."
(I think every time Fire Man smiles Hitomi dies on the inside.)
Mai wants her to finally tell her who summoned Iron Mask, well it turns out that all this fucking time Hitomi just didn't own up to not knowing crap.
Her family really uses every opportunity to make itself even more dislikeable.
She then tells Mai that she only saved her, because of her mother, and that she might have killed her if that wasn't the case (Trying to wipe out the competition, huh you adopted skank.).
May doesn't respond well to threats in the literal sense of the word.
Well then Fire Man jumps out of Mai's hand onto Hitomi's shoulder, and both walk off, leaving Mai looking lost.
She probably just realized that every member of her family is some kind of psycho out to harm or kill, her and the rest of mankind.
Cut to:
High Priest Bud Spencer and demon, having a meeting about how to best exploit Mai's shaken state. (By the way we are treated to the making of of the most pathetic villainous plot ever devised.)
Bud sends Demon on Hitomi's ass, all while staring at what seems to be a rice paper wall, and looking like he is about to have a stroke.
As soon as Demon leaves the starts scheming, saying that he will not let himself be bossed around by Mai's family anymore. (Which is a really bad decision as we will learn at the end of the episode.)
He is now going to personally try to kill Mai, because hell, if I wanted to show a family who is boss I would also start with their weakest member.
He then laughs because what the hell could ever go wrong with that plan.
"We'll rough her up now, and finish her once she get's her period! If that doesn't work we'll sabotage her prom date! Muhahaha!!!"
Cut to:
Archery Club, and guess what, because Mai is in kind of a sulky mood she isn't able to bullseye the very first shot she takes.
Because this is such a terrible problem, it of course causes a Rape Victim to come scurrying out form somwhrere, and ask her if there is something wrong (Well since Mai is skipping archery club lately, she might just be a little rusty. And what is she anyway some kind of S.W.A.T. sniper?)
Mai says she is fine, because she is focussed now (So did she just loose the first arrow without even caring what it hit? That reminds me of those kids at columbine who just threw balls down the bowling lane, before they went off killing their schoolmates. (Her being related to Cary it wouldn't surprise me if she just went straight to mass murder.).
So she looses (it's the correct verb look it up) the second arrow, but before it can hit the target it disappears.
It turns out High Pirest Bud just used his energy field to mildly disappoint Mai. (I guess now taking her out will be a snap.) To make most of this opportunity he immediatly summons up some tenatacles.
"Summoning needs more cowbell!!!"
Since Mai wants to prove she can hit something she fires a volley of lasers at the tentacles using her bow. By the way this arrow laser thing isn't seen again, but Vampire turtle King makes an appearance in this episode. (You know I miss the old days, like in "A jouney to the West" when monkeys kicking the shit out of gods using Indian Kung-Fu, monkeys becoming gods, and monkeys stealing (heavenly) peaches was the most unrealistic thing that happened.)
"Everything is better with lasers, even medival archery!"
Of course Mai's awesome laser bow shreds the first wave of incoming tentacles, and seemingly rips High Priest Bud's force field a new asshole. This of course has no effect at all because Bud promptly reinforces the whole thing, and summons the Third King (I guess in their carnal hells it's all chiefs and no indians.)
The thing looks kind of like an insect pokemon, if you dropped acid, and turned on some Death Metal before looking at it. Then we see Mai running away from some tentacles curtisey of the Third King.
(Now I finally get why the villains in this series, always send in some tentacles before the main course. Those stupid magical girls always blow their load on the first thing that comes into range.)
Then this happens (don't ask me why):
Mai is running away.
Mai Explodes.
Mai is gone.
I guess that's it, wow that was over faster than expected. The other four episodes probably just wrap up the loose ends, so I won't have to riff those. I am DONE, fucking finally.
Inma Seiden Riff Volume 2 Part 1 END
But it turns out that Iron Mask pissed off the wrong magical girl, because she opens up a can of magical Whop Ass on him.
She does that by crying blood (well for mourning a girl you didn't even know ten minutes ago that putting it on a little thick), and yelling "How dare you kill Rape Victim!" (Not that anyone would have stopped him until five seconds ago.) Then she starts forming a force field around herself (a blue one that seemingly does not explode tentacles but disintegrates them in a more Eco friendly fashion).
To make the whole thing even more confusing, she flies about a hundred feet into the background. (Probably making this bit of Hoodoo useless indoors, unless you destroy half of the building you are standing in, which rarely ever seems to concern anyone in Magical Girl Anime.) Then some kind of spirit appears in front of her, and it looks exactly like Yooko from XXX Holic! WTF!
So is iron mask really just Yooko's bitch man servant gone berserk?
And why is she dead anyhow, with all her divination skills shouldn't she have seen it coming?
Would the guy (or gal) who made the original manga rather commit Seppuku than crediting this hentai at the end of every chapter?
The world may never know...
Now you may call bullshit on me, but this isn't the last time we'll see XXX holic using this as reference material.
You don't believe me? Well first of all the Manga is called XXX holic but we never see the bitch man servant get L.A.I.D., so the original author probably planned the Manga as a Hentai, stealing from Inma Seiden (Your life is pretty much worthless, if you even consider doing that.). But it ended up as a real Manga instead.
So now I am probably going to get assassinated by Ninjas, since everyone involved with the XXX holic franchise fears the day anyone discovers it's unfortunate relation to Inma Seiden.
Well after forcing me to side track for what seemed like half an hour, the spirit goes away. Dropping Mai's now naked body, on top of Rape Victim, and let me tell you the effects of pussy do stack...
After that we see a Nine Tailed fox appear on top of the shrine, doing nothing useful.
Well let's get our old friend the intro out of the way (the guys who made this anime used the good old copy and past technique, and so will I):
First we see Short Brown Haired Girl attaching a spell written on a post it note (How else do they stick to the enemies?) to the head of what looks like, to put it in Miss Garrison's words: "The offspring of a fish's retard baby, that had butt sex with a centipede." (And it's yellow with evil red eyes!)
Of course since this is the opening sequence this magic post it explodes the shit out of the centipedes head. Another centipede sits in the background, doing nothing, and it's head also blows up, probably from surprise that it's wife just died. (Maybe that's how those magic post-its work? They just surprise enemies so much that their head blows up!)
"We are the reason cousins shouldn't marry!"
We see that this explosion was probably supposed to have been the result of glasses girl, doing something, probably killing something from two hundred yards away with mind bullets, that young nasty woman.
Next up is grey haired girl who gets spit fire by one of the centipedes, those things are really just explosions waiting to happen, well grey haired girl cuts the centipede (I really don't give a fuck anymore what these things are.) into four blocks, ready to be shipped off to the next chinese all you can eat. Since it already blew it's wad by spitting fire we get cheated out of an explosion.
We cut to two centipedes laying a barrage of fire on the incoming:
Fire Demon &
Water Demon
"I always wanted to see what five year olds would draw with a billion YEN budget!"
They currently are their fun size versions that the girls carry them around in but grow into full fledged demons half a second later, so even the people busy rubbing one out can get what is going on.
They basically fly into the centipedes faces, and kick them so hard that their heads become an explosion of blood. The centipede kicked by the fire demon literally has its eyes knocked out of its skull, or shell (or WTF I don't care, inter species retard breeding isn't my major) making it look like it's really surprised by something in the area of the demons crotch.
Then short brown haired girl jumps down from, whatever batman jumps down from when he faces villains on a skyscrapers rooftop, lands and does a "fingerbang" (South Park references all must go!) with her hand firing the post-it towards the camera(OK even I can't explain that one.). Beside her glasses and grey hair are striking poses as if this was an assembly of team rocket. (By the way if you think for one second that they will work together, at any moment without anybody forcing them you are dead wrong!
(There because it made my retard brain laugh...)
Then the demons pop in with a faster than the human eye to herald their epic speed and the fact that the animators wanted to cut this turd loose about as bad as I.
Cut to:
Apocalypse in Japan:
Wow this combines the Japanese being owned by Godzilla,
and crashing cars, I couldn't be more racist if I copy and pasted Mein Kampf!
No for real now:
Crap the Japanese are still crashing their cars! On the second try! Damn it!
No I am really going to get it right this time I swear:
Wow Hitler looks like some gangster Rapper on that cover...
Well he did fuck up peoples shit...
Now that that is out of the way, cut to:
Carey's High School, where everything is normal, and nobody seems to be giving a fuck about Japan getting kicked the living shit out of itself by every force of nature imaginable (So, yes I am quite sure Godzilla is involved.).
But after all the explosions that happen due to the magical girls, they probably just don't buy into that whole apocalypse thing anymore...
By the way this apocalypse is never even talked about again...
"How the hell am I supposed to write three pages on:
"The World is ending!
Don't you fucking kids get it! We are all gonna die!""
Cut back to Purple Haired Woman, and Carey scheming in the Principal's office of evil!
Carey says that Rape Victim's death has been covered up nicely by telling everyone she has transferred to another school, and yes the fact that this even works makes everyone at Carey's school seem to be severely retarded. (Serously that's the only thing they did, it is never talked about again.)
As Carey walks out of the room, she says there is rumours of a forbidden ritual being performed by Purple Haired Woman, and asks her to stop that, then Carey cautions her not to play with fire. Because we all know Asians are highly flammable.
Curiously google doesn't find any pictures of Asian people burning to death in the Square of Heavenly Peace, or of any protesters there, so it probably was just a lie spread by imperialist Americans...
Bud Spencer High Priest of Scientology informs us, that Demon has found another Rape Victim. Purple Haired woman, orders her raped at the temple of the world without colours (Charly Chaplin is a Taoist god? Who knew?)
Cut to Demon, seducing some green haired girl in the band room. He gives her the standard hentai naughty talk, which causes the Rape Victim to call him mean.
She then tells Demon that she loves him, which makes her a Consenting Woman. Good for her! (I guess.)
Demon calls her quite the aggressive one, which means that consent is probably the best feedback he has gotten from a woman he had sex with up to this point.
Cut back to Mai sitting in her class, listening to a lecture by Akira, about a poem that was probably written when opium was still legal.
Mai looks around, and realises that no one notices Rape Victim N°1 is gone. So they really are retarded, there is no indication of any magic being worked here, they have just been told that she transferred, and promptly forgot about that as well. (Or maybe rape vitim was just a severly unpopular loner.)
Well Mai isn't paying attention so she gets hit on the forehead with a piece of chalk, and Akira asks her if his lectures bore her.
She says yes (!), and excuses herself:
"Well now that she's gone let me tell you the story of how I raped that chick!"
Cut to:
Hitomi having a dream about how she first met Fire Man. Well we get to see him in his hulked out form, tongue hanging out saying: "You look delicious."
The way he says it makes me believe he comes from the retarded circle of hell.
Of course Hitomi is scared shitless, because she just ended up in a Rancor pit without a light saber.
She runs away, crying for her mother (!), keep in mind they didn't even bother to draw a younger version of her.
The demon says, he already killed her, so guess who is next on the list. Of course she trips, falls down, and now there is only a pretty pathetic energy shield keeping her from the demon. (Like she has any right to bitch at Mai... (But then again Mai probably would have managed to trap herself inside her own energy shield with the demon.)
Of course the demon pops the shield like a soap bubble using red lightning from his forehead, and says:
"I will eat you, but I am going to rape you first!"
"Just wait for me to get my strap-on, and we'll take it from there baby!"
But before anyone can point out how retarded that idea really is, Fire Man get's hit by a magic dodge ball, and yells, while flying into oblivion: "Hitomi you are my woman, and don't you forget it!" Like some fended off drunk husband. Well the ball of Magic was fired off by Purple Haired Woman, who consoles Hitomi saying, she can be her daughter now.
Hitomi seemingly likes the idea, and hugs her.
(If you want to know how this scene even got to happen all I can figure out is, that Hitomi's real mother chose to raise her in hell, stark naked. (I guess she was part of some satanic Nudist colony). (Maybe Carey is Hitomi's sister, who knows, I mean growing up in hell would explain her behaviour.) So I guess purple Haired woman, and Hitomi's Mom really got along well.)
"I killed your mother, and I am going to rape you!"
Fire Man the flaming new Christmas gift only at Toys 'R Us!
Both Hitomi and Fire Man are still on the roof. Once Fire Man wakes up he reminds Hitomi that her class has already started. Hitomi says nothing. (Her mind probably locked up when she considered, that her only friend is the man that murdered her mother.)
Cut to Consenting Woman getting fingerbanged by demon:
Three seconds into this she starts begging for cock. To milk the masturbation loop for five seconds longer, Demon asks Consenting Female:
"Do you really want it that badly?" WTF? Didn't she already beg you for your dick?
What is she going to say: "You know I was just thinking, and I remembered I'm gay, so uhm sorry to have bothered you."
Since even this movie is not retarded enough to have this happen we are treated to demon, fucking Consenting Woman doggie style.
He really doesn't bang her all that hard, it even looks like he is kind of bored with it, so I guess they shouldn't have made the animators work overtime.
Well of course we see the rune light up, so Iron Mask shows up seconds later:
(Also the girl is sweaty now, which probably also plays a part in it.)
Accompanied by a harp being strummed! (Hell even the sound engineer thinks the guy is a fag.)
"Well duh, I don't even leave the house without harps anymore honey!"
Demon tells Iron mask that Consenting Woman is all his. We cut to:
"Hey hey, come on let me fuck you Hitomi, alright!" (Fire man really sounds like some sort of twisted doll.)
Before we get to really enjoy deep character development Mai is walks onto the roof. "Come on don't tease me like that-" *Sweet ring of a well earned Bitchslap* "Oooh Shit!"
(Seriously Fire Man should be used for something, hell let's make this dude the mascot of "Rape 09 - Eqal Opportunities" I bet he would be total a kids magnet!)
Mai asks Fire Man if Hitomi is being mean to him (the Sexual Harassment Panda, really skimped on his job in that area code).
Hitomi tells her: "Don't spoil him too much."
(I think every time Fire Man smiles Hitomi dies on the inside.)
Mai wants her to finally tell her who summoned Iron Mask, well it turns out that all this fucking time Hitomi just didn't own up to not knowing crap.
Her family really uses every opportunity to make itself even more dislikeable.
She then tells Mai that she only saved her, because of her mother, and that she might have killed her if that wasn't the case (Trying to wipe out the competition, huh you adopted skank.).
May doesn't respond well to threats in the literal sense of the word.
Well then Fire Man jumps out of Mai's hand onto Hitomi's shoulder, and both walk off, leaving Mai looking lost.
She probably just realized that every member of her family is some kind of psycho out to harm or kill, her and the rest of mankind.
Cut to:
High Priest Bud Spencer and demon, having a meeting about how to best exploit Mai's shaken state. (By the way we are treated to the making of of the most pathetic villainous plot ever devised.)
Bud sends Demon on Hitomi's ass, all while staring at what seems to be a rice paper wall, and looking like he is about to have a stroke.
As soon as Demon leaves the starts scheming, saying that he will not let himself be bossed around by Mai's family anymore. (Which is a really bad decision as we will learn at the end of the episode.)
He is now going to personally try to kill Mai, because hell, if I wanted to show a family who is boss I would also start with their weakest member.
He then laughs because what the hell could ever go wrong with that plan.
"We'll rough her up now, and finish her once she get's her period! If that doesn't work we'll sabotage her prom date! Muhahaha!!!"
Cut to:
Archery Club, and guess what, because Mai is in kind of a sulky mood she isn't able to bullseye the very first shot she takes.
Because this is such a terrible problem, it of course causes a Rape Victim to come scurrying out form somwhrere, and ask her if there is something wrong (Well since Mai is skipping archery club lately, she might just be a little rusty. And what is she anyway some kind of S.W.A.T. sniper?)
Mai says she is fine, because she is focussed now (So did she just loose the first arrow without even caring what it hit? That reminds me of those kids at columbine who just threw balls down the bowling lane, before they went off killing their schoolmates. (Her being related to Cary it wouldn't surprise me if she just went straight to mass murder.).
So she looses (it's the correct verb look it up) the second arrow, but before it can hit the target it disappears.
It turns out High Pirest Bud just used his energy field to mildly disappoint Mai. (I guess now taking her out will be a snap.) To make most of this opportunity he immediatly summons up some tenatacles.
"Summoning needs more cowbell!!!"
Since Mai wants to prove she can hit something she fires a volley of lasers at the tentacles using her bow. By the way this arrow laser thing isn't seen again, but Vampire turtle King makes an appearance in this episode. (You know I miss the old days, like in "A jouney to the West" when monkeys kicking the shit out of gods using Indian Kung-Fu, monkeys becoming gods, and monkeys stealing (heavenly) peaches was the most unrealistic thing that happened.)
"Everything is better with lasers, even medival archery!"
Of course Mai's awesome laser bow shreds the first wave of incoming tentacles, and seemingly rips High Priest Bud's force field a new asshole. This of course has no effect at all because Bud promptly reinforces the whole thing, and summons the Third King (I guess in their carnal hells it's all chiefs and no indians.)
The thing looks kind of like an insect pokemon, if you dropped acid, and turned on some Death Metal before looking at it. Then we see Mai running away from some tentacles curtisey of the Third King.
(Now I finally get why the villains in this series, always send in some tentacles before the main course. Those stupid magical girls always blow their load on the first thing that comes into range.)
Then this happens (don't ask me why):
Mai is running away.
Mai Explodes.
Mai is gone.
I guess that's it, wow that was over faster than expected. The other four episodes probably just wrap up the loose ends, so I won't have to riff those. I am DONE, fucking finally.
Inma Seiden Riff Volume 2 Part 1 END
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tentacle Rape and Public Transpotation!
I seriously have nothing to do while I sit in a train, waiting for four hours until I arrive at my destination.
I really don't know why I think it is important to write this down, other than maybe to beef up my Blog. Currently I think I am doing pretty good, if you want to know why I am making so many references, it's because it is the easiest Comedy humanity has ever known. Because all your material has already been written, all it takes is the wit to see where something fits, and placing it into a connection with the scene you just saw (and the spare time and energy to actually remember all of the sources you are drawing from well enough).
I am not saying I am good at it, because everyone else who tried it thous far is just an idiot (claiming this trash to be good would take an exceptionally demented mind). However many kids movies have shown how to do it wrong, they just take the reference and begin butt raping the material with it.
Since this Blog needs more butt sex I should probably start doing that.
But it is the best I can do with what I have so I will just knock myself out.
I am currently looking at what Hentai to riff next, even though I have probably not even finished a sixth of the actual workload of my current project, not counting polishing.
I am pretty exited about the whole thing, and I hope it will be as well received as my pod cast.
By the way for anyone who cares the one I started at my school pretty much was a still born, we didn't even get to episode one. First of all because the people I worked with were not funny (the fact that the stuff I am doing is mediocre at best didn't help). Well at least they laughed a lot (that's a part of comedy), but they just couldn't snap into comedy mode, and it takes five of such people to make a decent comedy Podcast on a regular basis. All in all it was a complete abortion, and I didn't even care to claim the bits of that baby for trying to make something out of it.
The funniest joke was “look a bird” repeated fifteen times over with varied accents, and degrees of pretend mental retardation. (While these bits are staple for most comedy podcasts you can't really base a program around it.)
Once again your comments are important to me (it's more of a behind the scenes thing) which is why I stopped writing fan fiction some time ago, there were actually fifteen people complaining about the same mistake, which I was to busy to correct. Not even talking about the story, no they were just whining. (By the way I read it again it only mildly sucked which is like:
“OMG U R GRUAET” in fan fiction ville. Probably should have done Naruto like everyone else, I mean I am not sure half of its fans know what that series is about.
Now having swiftly avoided saying anything you could care about Hannes the Artist is signing off.
(And praise that full tentacle rapist joke, because I is the best one on the site...)
Inma Seiden Riff vol 1 Part 2
I because of the sheer size of this Riff I am going to split it into two parts safe for consumption. BTW would you like this site to be a bit raunchier, I am keeping this safe for work you know (So you won't be seeing none of that juicy pink underage tentacle raped pussey (so I'll do any shot without the goods on display)). I am doing this because it is likely that nobody will read it without being payed to do so.
So now that short brown haired girl was saved by Hitomi, (Hitomi did this by flying in, grabbing her hand, and then literally dropping them on a roof), and Iron Mask has shown to the world once again that the gays are easily offended, we cut to both Hitomi and short brown haired girl (I really didn't catch her name, Sorry) Lying on a roof, legs spread for the pantie shot.
Short Brown Haired Girl starts thanking Hitomi, who expositions that Short Brown Haired girl is her Cousin.
Then she snaps back into the useless bitching technique her family is renowned for: "As my cousin don't you dare show yourself to me when you are pathetic." Well no wonder short brown haired girl doesn't know she has a cousin.
"But I'm really good at being pathetic..."
She claims that her mother would be really sad to see short brown haired girl like that, promptly that demon sitting on her had chimes in: "Oh she'll be sad." And because even the guy who wrote this script thought that was stupid, he (un)funnily falls out of Hitomi's hair.
After this laughgasm we are treated to:
Brown haired girl trying to convince Hitomi to cram even more exposition into this stillborn of a scene. She wants to know more about this Iron Mask dude. Well it turns out that Hitomi will have non of that shit, so she tells Short Brown Haired girl: "You make me sick, I am so irritated right now." (God forbid we would get some interesting exposition.)
(Want an example? Say Iron Mask was the brutal ruler of a kingdom, and he wielded a sword made from the blood of all the chicks he raped to death. But the inhabitants revolted, and iron mask was imprisoned in a dark cell. The sword was reforged into a mask that was placed on his face while still glowing red hot, so it was burned into his face so bad that he couldn't rip it off. However the vengeful spirits of all the virgins he raped drove him mad!(NOOOOO!)) (That's easy really...) But then again, we are talking about this dude...)
"Hey there Boys I can work some magic with those hands,
and I mean tentacle magic!"
And now for Carey talking to Akira while taking a shower (that's what I am talking about interesting exposition).
"Naked Chicks make learning fun!"
Carey says that if short brown haired girl had been raped by Iron mask it might have been problematic.
I think it's great that Akira is not even scolded for completely failing the task given to him (he suddenly realized that there were 50 something friend invites on myspace he had to take care of). Then again in Carey's twisted perception he was probably doing exactly what she would have done. So horray for Akira.
He also mentions that he never would have imagined Hitomi coming to the aid of short brown haired girl, because helping a dying family member is probably beyond his scope of ethics.
Well it turns out Carey is going to punish (!) Hitomi for helping her "sister" out. Wow...
Because this is her high school (WTF), well I guess when Carey leaves family members to die she means it. She then continues this friendly conversation by telling Akira that he is currently in the girls shower room. (For all of you that missed it this is supposed to be funny. Akira is probably just trying to boost his rapist reputation.)
Cut to School Nurse yelling "Principle" in a hilariously overdramtised voice, at Purple Haired Woman.
"Yello luv, OI have a British accent!
By the way school girls are getting raped."
This prompts Purple Haired Woman to rattle off that Rape Victim left the school out of her own free will, and she does not know what the fuck happened to her since. She probably does not even care seeing how she is related to Carey.
To ham this scene right up to the stratosphere, School Nurse busts out her British accent. I did not notice before that she was supposed to have one because unlike the writers I don't think sounding like a complete douche equals British (close but no).
Nurse is pissed off at Purple haired woman for not trying to do anything about that whole rape incident, if she knew anything about that family not doing anything is probably their definition of kindness. Well since Purple haired woman can't find anything to say in her defense (or simply considers this normal behavior) she starts hitting on School Nurse calling her by her first name, and telling her how attractive she is when angry.
"Did I tell you I'm a Bisexual?
You know I'm just trying to cram in as much sex as possible before I hit fourty."
Cut to some Shinto temple.
What follows is clearly the best part of the entire series, as we get to see for the first time ever, something that equals a crazed homeless man in a hentai anime!
HOLY SHIT YES!!!
At first we see him yelling: "Rikako" While scurrying on the ground like a rodent, but because this is no japanese children's television show he notices the girl tied up against the wall right beside him.
Now we get to the meat and potatoes of this scene, with crazy homeless man starting to suck on tied up girls tits, while she says: "My name is Minako not Rikako!"
Wow this is really like an episode of blues clues with homeless men and rape, you know like in the original japanese version!
"That's right kids, Minako has brown hair while Rikako has black hair!
That's the final clue!
Now you have to yell to it out real loud so Blue the Insane Shrine Hobo does not rape the innocent female!"
(And fuck yes this is totally safe for work! No matter what that Chief of Staff has to say about it.)
But since the kids did not yell something to make the shrine Hobo realise the error of his ways (I mean Minako is really close you have to hand him that). He forcefully spreads tied up girls legs, so let the mating begin! Well what follows is pretty standard rape sex (I am aware that every rapist has his own standard but we have to agree on somethings right? I mean if we were a little more understanding of one another that Rape 08 thing would really have taken off!)
Oh and by the way, tied up girl says in a hilarious omg I am being raped voice: "Please just stop it!" I don't think soccer mom grade scoldings, and fighting off rapists mix very well, but who am I to judge.
Well then she says that she is cumming because we all no those hentai girls really can't say no.
Then the Shrine Hobo goes (I want to start a religion with Shrine Hobos):
"OMG Rika it feels so good!" Sounding like a premature ejaculator heralding his failure.
And sure enough about half a minute into the fucking, he is done.
Does this stupid movie want to cheat me out of every great sex scene? They cut this guy short but later on Vampire Turtle King (Give yourself a little golden star if you remembered him) gets all the screen time in the world.
Tongue Dick does not equal crazy hobo in coolness.
Whatever picture illustrates this definately isn't save for work.
There is no way in hell that equitation could ever be balanced out.
Anyway we see Hitomi looking at that scene like she is determined to do something (Probably watching that Hobo all day long, since it never gets old. Those guys are the clowns of today.)
Well cut to Hitomi laying on her bed while Fire Demon, expositions that the Hobo was actually her father, and that he is being held prisoner inside of the shrine. Also that he is probably raping Tied Up Girl every second he is awake.
So every time this movie shows you anything you dislike, you can think of all the Hentai Hobo sex you are missing. Fuck!
So then she says the following: "I just wonder what it would feel like to be made love to by a man."
I can understand that perfectly, when I am watching my parents, I always wonder what guy on guy action feels like.
WTF you can put a line like that in a hentai manga, and no one cares because the sheer general insanity of that publication.
Hell I would have forgiven them for that line if they had shown her masturbating watching her father. But instead she was just standing there staring, wasting screen time.
Fire Demon chimes in that he will be the:
"First man to make love to her." Proving that the guy who translated this into English does not know the difference between demons and humans. By the way the demon is always hot tubing in Hitimi's tea which is cute, until she actually drinks it.
Fire Man (Hey I apparently miscategorised the thing.) then cautions her not to sleep around until he gets to bang her.
Jep, he is a real serial rapeing boy alright!
Well then Hitomi says that she should have let Mai (short brown haired girl, finally only a few thousand letters into this bloody riff, now I can demand an award for this work) get raped by Iron Mask (she says that with the same voice you would use to scold yourself if you didn't take out the trash).
While she does that Fire Man has a bit of of screen slapstick, because he gets tea in his ear. (Because we all know the only funny part of slapstick is the voice, which is why Steven Hawking's interpretation of the Marks Brothers (also starring Christopher Reeves, and Professor X) rocks the stage every time.)
Well cut to: Mai and two Rape Victims are sitting in the park. (Cause that's the place all rape victims love to be.) It turns out they are staying there, because Rape Victim N°1 doesn't know how to tell her parents. I also would have a hard time explaining exactly why I shit from my vagina. (You really start to get the vibe that this is Carey's high school, they just send rape victims home without any further comment. Either that or Akria doubles as their school councilor, he probably went home early, because he had to clean out his septic tank.)
Mia says that Rape Victim N°1, and °2 can stay at her mansion for the night, so Rape Victim can feel safe.
Fun fact: This is the house where all the people responsible for Rape Victims suffering live, so Horray.
Mai's then Mai's Tentacle sense starts tingling:
"My Tentacle sense is tingling,
but why, shoulndn't we be perfectly save in a public park?"
As the tentacles prepare to attack Rape Victim N°1 gets a flash back, you really start feeling sorry (for half a nanosecond) for her because she can't catch a break. So Mai signs Hail Satan, and the dark lord grants her an energy field.
"SHEMHAMFORASH!!!" (Means hail Satan in ancient Enochian.)
The tentacles can't get through so Demon (the guy behind this attack) starts to mumble drunkenly, and summons the Vampire Turtle King, he actually looks nothing like the old version and now has tentacles of his own. (By the way, yes we are still in the first episode.)
"Wow, summon Monster VII rocks!"
The fact that we saw the original version four seconds ago in a flashback, makes this image change nothing short of fucking rediculous. (Although it's safe to assume that half the audience has already wanked their brains out at this point, so who cares.)
So Vampire Turtle Commander King wants to rape those girls really bad, so he lashes at them with tentacles (probably at Mach fucking 10), then this happens:
Tentacles
+
Japanese Girl
=
Huge Fucking Explosions!
I can't quite put my finger on the mistake in that equasion...
Of course Mai, and the Rape Victims (*Your Name* and the Rape Victims, would be a pretty cool band, by the way...) were inside the force field, so everything is fine. Well Rape Victim N°1 is menaced by tentacles, but N°2 comes to her aid, cutting off the Tentacles with a Giave. (Why was she packing a pole arm? Well hell if I went to Carey's high school I wouldn't even take a walk on the grounds without sniper support.)
"Facing huge demons with a pole arm,
keeping my virginity in a subwaycart, it's all the same to me..."
Mai is still weakened by keeping up the force field so she can only look up to Rape Victim N°2 admiringly.
Well since Vampire Turtle King will have non of that bullshit the sends out some more tentacles, which of course takes Rape Victim N°2 by surprise. Oh, and then shit starts blowing up!
"Wow that city really has a problem with people burying their illegal chinese fireworks in the park."
But before the collective universe can finish shouting WTF!
We see that Akira has stepped in to save the day (He was probably on the way to Home Depot, because he needed parts for that septic tank.)
I don't even know why people keep mixing force fields, and tentacles, they must just really love huge explosions.
He says he won't have a problem with Vampire Turtle King because he is stronger than Mai. (Mai I have come to save you because you suck balls!) (This all could have been easily avoided by simply putting in more effort, and killing this guy back when he had the chance. Then Akria casts some spell of magic bullet and reduces the demon to it's subatomic particles. (You see a little red light appear at the end, which probably means we are going to have to see him again.)
Apparently there are two levels of ownage Dead, and Team Rocket.
Well while we are all distracted by Akiras ownage, Iron Mask captures Rape Victim N°1, and takes her through:
An invisible Portal!
Wow now that's just awesome. Mai is of course jumps in after Iron Mask, and in a notably huge success manages to follow through same Invisible Portal.
She ends up at the temple of the peacock god (told you Iron Mask was a fag), and Iron Mask has Rape Victim N°1 suspended above the roof of the temple using his lazer eyes. He hovers up beside her, summons up a bed of glowing runes under her, and before this can get romantic, he calls in some tentacles to do the deed, because he doesn't roll that way.
Meanwhile we get the occasional shot of Mai banging against the forcefield (guess she watches to much Rune Solider)
"Sorry I can't help you I'm trapped behind glass..."
(Wow I definetly will use that excuse, the next time I want to skip out on something.)
This continues until the rune on Rape Victim's stomach "Is fiering it's lazar!" It really looks like it.
I am not even shitting you:
(I did not just spend half an hour in paint creating this bullshit...)
Said huge fucking lazer creates a sword in some demon dudes hand, and we cut to Purple Haired Woman looking stoked about it.
And before any of you think, Iron Mask is going to make an exit without doing anything gay, trust me he doesn't disappoint.
After having blown her load, rape victim dies, falls off the shrine, and lays dead on the ground. Because the force field is down (if I was Iron Mask I would have kept that thing up and taunted Mai for at least half an hour) Mai runs up, and gets to mourn Rape Victim. How does she even know the bitch?
We don't get an explanation. Maybe it's just a chick thing, you know like with movies, only for well for lack of a better word (or grip on reality) real.
She then looks up at Iron mask, who looks at her like a gay snob:
"Did I mention I am tightly gay?"
Well now Mai has a reason to get some sweet revenge on Iron Mask, and I can pop in the next episode and torture myself.
So now that short brown haired girl was saved by Hitomi, (Hitomi did this by flying in, grabbing her hand, and then literally dropping them on a roof), and Iron Mask has shown to the world once again that the gays are easily offended, we cut to both Hitomi and short brown haired girl (I really didn't catch her name, Sorry) Lying on a roof, legs spread for the pantie shot.
Short Brown Haired Girl starts thanking Hitomi, who expositions that Short Brown Haired girl is her Cousin.
Then she snaps back into the useless bitching technique her family is renowned for: "As my cousin don't you dare show yourself to me when you are pathetic." Well no wonder short brown haired girl doesn't know she has a cousin.
"But I'm really good at being pathetic..."
She claims that her mother would be really sad to see short brown haired girl like that, promptly that demon sitting on her had chimes in: "Oh she'll be sad." And because even the guy who wrote this script thought that was stupid, he (un)funnily falls out of Hitomi's hair.
After this laughgasm we are treated to:
Brown haired girl trying to convince Hitomi to cram even more exposition into this stillborn of a scene. She wants to know more about this Iron Mask dude. Well it turns out that Hitomi will have non of that shit, so she tells Short Brown Haired girl: "You make me sick, I am so irritated right now." (God forbid we would get some interesting exposition.)
(Want an example? Say Iron Mask was the brutal ruler of a kingdom, and he wielded a sword made from the blood of all the chicks he raped to death. But the inhabitants revolted, and iron mask was imprisoned in a dark cell. The sword was reforged into a mask that was placed on his face while still glowing red hot, so it was burned into his face so bad that he couldn't rip it off. However the vengeful spirits of all the virgins he raped drove him mad!(NOOOOO!)) (That's easy really...) But then again, we are talking about this dude...)
"Hey there Boys I can work some magic with those hands,
and I mean tentacle magic!"
And now for Carey talking to Akira while taking a shower (that's what I am talking about interesting exposition).
"Naked Chicks make learning fun!"
Carey says that if short brown haired girl had been raped by Iron mask it might have been problematic.
I think it's great that Akira is not even scolded for completely failing the task given to him (he suddenly realized that there were 50 something friend invites on myspace he had to take care of). Then again in Carey's twisted perception he was probably doing exactly what she would have done. So horray for Akira.
He also mentions that he never would have imagined Hitomi coming to the aid of short brown haired girl, because helping a dying family member is probably beyond his scope of ethics.
Well it turns out Carey is going to punish (!) Hitomi for helping her "sister" out. Wow...
Because this is her high school (WTF), well I guess when Carey leaves family members to die she means it. She then continues this friendly conversation by telling Akira that he is currently in the girls shower room. (For all of you that missed it this is supposed to be funny. Akira is probably just trying to boost his rapist reputation.)
Cut to School Nurse yelling "Principle" in a hilariously overdramtised voice, at Purple Haired Woman.
"Yello luv, OI have a British accent!
By the way school girls are getting raped."
This prompts Purple Haired Woman to rattle off that Rape Victim left the school out of her own free will, and she does not know what the fuck happened to her since. She probably does not even care seeing how she is related to Carey.
To ham this scene right up to the stratosphere, School Nurse busts out her British accent. I did not notice before that she was supposed to have one because unlike the writers I don't think sounding like a complete douche equals British (close but no).
Nurse is pissed off at Purple haired woman for not trying to do anything about that whole rape incident, if she knew anything about that family not doing anything is probably their definition of kindness. Well since Purple haired woman can't find anything to say in her defense (or simply considers this normal behavior) she starts hitting on School Nurse calling her by her first name, and telling her how attractive she is when angry.
"Did I tell you I'm a Bisexual?
You know I'm just trying to cram in as much sex as possible before I hit fourty."
Cut to some Shinto temple.
What follows is clearly the best part of the entire series, as we get to see for the first time ever, something that equals a crazed homeless man in a hentai anime!
HOLY SHIT YES!!!
At first we see him yelling: "Rikako" While scurrying on the ground like a rodent, but because this is no japanese children's television show he notices the girl tied up against the wall right beside him.
Now we get to the meat and potatoes of this scene, with crazy homeless man starting to suck on tied up girls tits, while she says: "My name is Minako not Rikako!"
Wow this is really like an episode of blues clues with homeless men and rape, you know like in the original japanese version!
"That's right kids, Minako has brown hair while Rikako has black hair!
That's the final clue!
Now you have to yell to it out real loud so Blue the Insane Shrine Hobo does not rape the innocent female!"
(And fuck yes this is totally safe for work! No matter what that Chief of Staff has to say about it.)
But since the kids did not yell something to make the shrine Hobo realise the error of his ways (I mean Minako is really close you have to hand him that). He forcefully spreads tied up girls legs, so let the mating begin! Well what follows is pretty standard rape sex (I am aware that every rapist has his own standard but we have to agree on somethings right? I mean if we were a little more understanding of one another that Rape 08 thing would really have taken off!)
Oh and by the way, tied up girl says in a hilarious omg I am being raped voice: "Please just stop it!" I don't think soccer mom grade scoldings, and fighting off rapists mix very well, but who am I to judge.
Well then she says that she is cumming because we all no those hentai girls really can't say no.
Then the Shrine Hobo goes (I want to start a religion with Shrine Hobos):
"OMG Rika it feels so good!" Sounding like a premature ejaculator heralding his failure.
And sure enough about half a minute into the fucking, he is done.
Does this stupid movie want to cheat me out of every great sex scene? They cut this guy short but later on Vampire Turtle King (Give yourself a little golden star if you remembered him) gets all the screen time in the world.
Tongue Dick does not equal crazy hobo in coolness.
Whatever picture illustrates this definately isn't save for work.
There is no way in hell that equitation could ever be balanced out.
Anyway we see Hitomi looking at that scene like she is determined to do something (Probably watching that Hobo all day long, since it never gets old. Those guys are the clowns of today.)
Well cut to Hitomi laying on her bed while Fire Demon, expositions that the Hobo was actually her father, and that he is being held prisoner inside of the shrine. Also that he is probably raping Tied Up Girl every second he is awake.
So every time this movie shows you anything you dislike, you can think of all the Hentai Hobo sex you are missing. Fuck!
So then she says the following: "I just wonder what it would feel like to be made love to by a man."
I can understand that perfectly, when I am watching my parents, I always wonder what guy on guy action feels like.
WTF you can put a line like that in a hentai manga, and no one cares because the sheer general insanity of that publication.
Hell I would have forgiven them for that line if they had shown her masturbating watching her father. But instead she was just standing there staring, wasting screen time.
Fire Demon chimes in that he will be the:
"First man to make love to her." Proving that the guy who translated this into English does not know the difference between demons and humans. By the way the demon is always hot tubing in Hitimi's tea which is cute, until she actually drinks it.
Fire Man (Hey I apparently miscategorised the thing.) then cautions her not to sleep around until he gets to bang her.
Jep, he is a real serial rapeing boy alright!
Well then Hitomi says that she should have let Mai (short brown haired girl, finally only a few thousand letters into this bloody riff, now I can demand an award for this work) get raped by Iron Mask (she says that with the same voice you would use to scold yourself if you didn't take out the trash).
While she does that Fire Man has a bit of of screen slapstick, because he gets tea in his ear. (Because we all know the only funny part of slapstick is the voice, which is why Steven Hawking's interpretation of the Marks Brothers (also starring Christopher Reeves, and Professor X) rocks the stage every time.)
Well cut to: Mai and two Rape Victims are sitting in the park. (Cause that's the place all rape victims love to be.) It turns out they are staying there, because Rape Victim N°1 doesn't know how to tell her parents. I also would have a hard time explaining exactly why I shit from my vagina. (You really start to get the vibe that this is Carey's high school, they just send rape victims home without any further comment. Either that or Akria doubles as their school councilor, he probably went home early, because he had to clean out his septic tank.)
Mia says that Rape Victim N°1, and °2 can stay at her mansion for the night, so Rape Victim can feel safe.
Fun fact: This is the house where all the people responsible for Rape Victims suffering live, so Horray.
Mai's then Mai's Tentacle sense starts tingling:
"My Tentacle sense is tingling,
but why, shoulndn't we be perfectly save in a public park?"
As the tentacles prepare to attack Rape Victim N°1 gets a flash back, you really start feeling sorry (for half a nanosecond) for her because she can't catch a break. So Mai signs Hail Satan, and the dark lord grants her an energy field.
"SHEMHAMFORASH!!!" (Means hail Satan in ancient Enochian.)
The tentacles can't get through so Demon (the guy behind this attack) starts to mumble drunkenly, and summons the Vampire Turtle King, he actually looks nothing like the old version and now has tentacles of his own. (By the way, yes we are still in the first episode.)
"Wow, summon Monster VII rocks!"
The fact that we saw the original version four seconds ago in a flashback, makes this image change nothing short of fucking rediculous. (Although it's safe to assume that half the audience has already wanked their brains out at this point, so who cares.)
So Vampire Turtle Commander King wants to rape those girls really bad, so he lashes at them with tentacles (probably at Mach fucking 10), then this happens:
Tentacles
+
Japanese Girl
=
Huge Fucking Explosions!
I can't quite put my finger on the mistake in that equasion...
Of course Mai, and the Rape Victims (*Your Name* and the Rape Victims, would be a pretty cool band, by the way...) were inside the force field, so everything is fine. Well Rape Victim N°1 is menaced by tentacles, but N°2 comes to her aid, cutting off the Tentacles with a Giave. (Why was she packing a pole arm? Well hell if I went to Carey's high school I wouldn't even take a walk on the grounds without sniper support.)
"Facing huge demons with a pole arm,
keeping my virginity in a subwaycart, it's all the same to me..."
Mai is still weakened by keeping up the force field so she can only look up to Rape Victim N°2 admiringly.
Well since Vampire Turtle King will have non of that bullshit the sends out some more tentacles, which of course takes Rape Victim N°2 by surprise. Oh, and then shit starts blowing up!
"Wow that city really has a problem with people burying their illegal chinese fireworks in the park."
But before the collective universe can finish shouting WTF!
We see that Akira has stepped in to save the day (He was probably on the way to Home Depot, because he needed parts for that septic tank.)
I don't even know why people keep mixing force fields, and tentacles, they must just really love huge explosions.
He says he won't have a problem with Vampire Turtle King because he is stronger than Mai. (Mai I have come to save you because you suck balls!) (This all could have been easily avoided by simply putting in more effort, and killing this guy back when he had the chance. Then Akria casts some spell of magic bullet and reduces the demon to it's subatomic particles. (You see a little red light appear at the end, which probably means we are going to have to see him again.)
Apparently there are two levels of ownage Dead, and Team Rocket.
Well while we are all distracted by Akiras ownage, Iron Mask captures Rape Victim N°1, and takes her through:
An invisible Portal!
Wow now that's just awesome. Mai is of course jumps in after Iron Mask, and in a notably huge success manages to follow through same Invisible Portal.
She ends up at the temple of the peacock god (told you Iron Mask was a fag), and Iron Mask has Rape Victim N°1 suspended above the roof of the temple using his lazer eyes. He hovers up beside her, summons up a bed of glowing runes under her, and before this can get romantic, he calls in some tentacles to do the deed, because he doesn't roll that way.
Meanwhile we get the occasional shot of Mai banging against the forcefield (guess she watches to much Rune Solider)
"Sorry I can't help you I'm trapped behind glass..."
(Wow I definetly will use that excuse, the next time I want to skip out on something.)
This continues until the rune on Rape Victim's stomach "Is fiering it's lazar!" It really looks like it.
I am not even shitting you:
(I did not just spend half an hour in paint creating this bullshit...)
Said huge fucking lazer creates a sword in some demon dudes hand, and we cut to Purple Haired Woman looking stoked about it.
And before any of you think, Iron Mask is going to make an exit without doing anything gay, trust me he doesn't disappoint.
After having blown her load, rape victim dies, falls off the shrine, and lays dead on the ground. Because the force field is down (if I was Iron Mask I would have kept that thing up and taunted Mai for at least half an hour) Mai runs up, and gets to mourn Rape Victim. How does she even know the bitch?
We don't get an explanation. Maybe it's just a chick thing, you know like with movies, only for well for lack of a better word (or grip on reality) real.
She then looks up at Iron mask, who looks at her like a gay snob:
"Did I mention I am tightly gay?"
Well now Mai has a reason to get some sweet revenge on Iron Mask, and I can pop in the next episode and torture myself.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Inma Seiden Riff vol. 1
Part 1 (Gold Version(unless I find a fatal error))
I am currently starting to write this with the intention of not stopping until the night runs out of darkness.
I am going to riff the first Episode of Inma Seiden and my motivation is already waning but I have got Red Bull to back up my decision, and a pack of cigarettes so let's go.
In the first scene we see a probably thirty five year old woman doing some shinto ritual. In the American version she accomplishes this by mumbling like a demented Hobo (this is going to be a theme in the movie), and sweating as if she were sitting in a steam bath.
To ease the eyes she is wearing a view through garment (I generally like how some hentai brings you through the boring exposition parts by filling them with naked people), I also like the indication that there is a Shinto god who only answers to the prayers of sweaty women barley clinging onto their status of fuckable.
Then the fire roars for a quick moment half of the shrine catches fire, and purple haired women moans like a ninety year old enjoying the last fuck of her life, all while looking like zombie on meth.
"Whazzap!?"
Already reaching for your drug of choice?
Well that isn't all of it two spirits that look like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds if she did speed are shot into the heavens where they combine and shoot of into four directions.
Lightning strikes and the fates of four characters who will be faced with the epic struggle of getting enough character development to even justify a name. (They really are just a bunch of rape victims, magical rape, but rape non the less.)
We go back to Purple haired woman, she is looking like a heroin junkey after five hours of cold turkey in an hot air vent, and has this bit of cryptic wisdom for us:
"The Stars have landed." (So all zombies in the area better shuffle off, and get a job while they're at it! (They aren't all that intimidated by that claim, and show up later in the movie, because they own that neighborhood!))
(Fun Fact: We actually had to fly in that resident evil reference.)
Fade to white!
Cut to our one faithful companion the opening sequence! (He'll be with us all six episodes of this crap.)
First we see Short Brown Haired Girl attaching a spell written on a post it note (How else do they stick to the enemies?) to the head of what looks like, to put it in Miss Garrison's words: "The offspring of a fish's retard baby, that had butt sex with a centipede." (And it's yellow with evil red eyes!)
Of course since this is the opening sequence this magic post it explodes the shit out of the centipedes head. Another centipede sits in the background, doing nothing, and it's head also blows up, probably from surprise that it's wife just died. (Maybe that's how those magic post-its work? They just surprise enemies so much that their head blows up!)
"We are the reason cousins shouldn't marry!"
We see that this explosion was probably supposed to have been the result of glasses girl, doing something, probably killing something from two hundred yards away with mind bullets, that young nasty woman.
Next up is grey haired girl who gets spit fire by one of the centipedes, those things are really just explosions waiting to happen, well grey haired girl cuts the centipede (I really don't give a fuck anymore what these things are.) into four blocks, ready to be shipped off to the next chinese all you can eat. Since it already blew it's wad by spitting fire we get cheated out of an explosion.
We cut to two centipedes laying a barrage of fire on the incoming:
Fire Demon &
Water Demon
"I always wanted to see what five year olds would draw with a billion YEN budget!"
They currently are their fun size versions that the girls carry them around in but grow into full fledged demons half a second later, so even the people busy rubbing one out can get what is going on.
They basically fly into the centipedes faces, and kick them so hard that their heads become an explosion of blood. The centipede kicked by the fire demon literally has its eyes knocked out of its skull, or shell (or WTF I don't care, inter species retard breeding isn't my major) making it look like it's really surprised by something in the area of the demons crotch.
Then short brown haired girl jumps down from, whatever batman jumps down from when he faces villans on a skyscrapers rooftop, lands and does a "fingerbang" (South Park references all must go!) with her hand firing the post-it towards the camera(OK even I can't explain that one.). Beside her glasses and grey hair are striking poses as if this was an assembly of team rocket. (By the way if you think for one second that they will work together, at any moment without anybody forcing them you are dead wrong!
(There because it made my retard brain laugh...)
Then the demons pop in with a faster than the human eye to herald their epic speed and the fact that the animators wanted to cut this turd loose about as bad as I.
Then the name of the series gets burned into wood (yehaw).
Cut to a couple of girls talking about the fact that girls are being attacked! By a giant with a face mask! Named Iron Mask! Come to liberate france! Or rape japanese school girls, whatever fits his schedule better, I guess.
They all walk to the indoor swimming pool because they want to see Miss Carey swim! So they all cheer while we wait for this pointless scene to be over, the fact that the whole cheering is done by one person, and an unmotivated choir of background voices doesn't help.
We learn that Short Brown Haired Girl who seemingly got her hair dyed black just for the occasion congratulates her sister on dominating the competition so much that it was boring for the viewers, and humiliating for the other swimmers. Carey is helped out of the pool by her sister but is to busy to try wooing us with her looks, and her ability to stuff five pounds of hair under her bathing cap, to thank her.
As soon as she is done with that, and found the time to put on her glasses, she bitches at her sister for not showing up for the archery club. (As we will learn in consecutive installments this girl is a bitch, to the point of having to make up creative new ways of torture, just to fuck with her dad, and everyone else for that matter.)
Brown haired girl just tries to make up an excuse, as if we are supposed to believe anyone has the mental fortitude to keep up a conversation with Carey, and not utter the phrase: "I'll kill you bitch!" Two sentences into it. Of course her sister doesn't even react but instead sits down on the bench and starts looking like a severely catatonic cow in India.
It turns out brown haired girl and a rape victim (That gets it's first two seconds of awkward stuttering cleverly disguised as character development.) are looking for a class mate that went missing. Anyone remember Iron Mask, I guess he is going after the school girls.
Carey of course says that it was probably mister Iron Mask, showing she is a caring individual after all, as in caring how people die, but only if their deaths are horrible enough.
This pisses off short brown haired girl, and she runs of dragging rape victim behind her.
Carey wonders if she said something wrong, so she is so much of a bitch that she considers this normal behavior.
She decides to ask Bodai the water Demon she carries around, since bathing suits have no pockets I am guessing he was hiding where only a body cavity search could find him.
He says that Carey should be nicer, which is as effective as telling a rabid pit bull to protect an infant.
Carey then complains that Demons are showing a suspicious lot of activity these days (Not like the good old days where a girl could leave the house without being triple penetrated by tentacles.) causing rumors to spread.
So she starts addressing a spider as Akira. But any hopes that she has lost her mind, and will be put out of her misery by mandatory euthanasia, are destroyed when some grey haired Griffith looking dude answers the call:
"Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Spiderphone."
(Try getting it out of your head this time!!!)
He says he is worried about his lady AKA short brown haired girl. And says that Carey can't be her sister because she is way to straight laced. (I think they also can't be twins because Carey would have strangled her sister with the umbilical cord in an attempt to be friendly.
Cut to the women's rest room (finally).
Were a rape victim is bend over a sink making weird noises and sweating. And no, no goods are on display yet. Well because Shinto gods, and demons seem to be into that whole sweat thing it doesn't take long for one to show up. He has a pointless monologue, claiming that she must accept him. (That's asdfycdx (sorry I had to taser, and tie up Paris Hilton) the opposite of cold!)
She is literally taken aback by the statements he is making, and moves backwards into the middle of the room. (You know so she can be attacked from all sides.) Then the demon starts to use his hobo mumbling skills to summon:
A WARD OF EVIL MAGICS!!!(Also some tentacles.)
(For anyone who is still reading I am currently at the six minute mark.)
(And if anyone cares these are red tentacles that move like worms.)
Enjoy this safe for work picture of this WARD OF EVIL MAGICS! (Taken half a second before her blouse rips!!! (I am so proud of myself *sob*))
The fun part is that for a moment Rape Victim stands there with her legs spread apart looking at the tentacles with slight horror on her face (professional rapists know that's the most consent they are ever going to get). Then she tries to make a run for it but gets caught by a tentacle that has lubed up at this point (which is a pretty stupid even for rape tentacles, or pretty smart on Rape Victims part, because the lube makes it easier for her to slip out of their grasp) but still catch her with no difficulty at all (outsmarting tentacles... stupid school girl, that's just dumb...), and immediately start doing what they were drawn to do.
The tentacle actually stimulates her clit, which probably makes it the biggest gentleman of his species. So she starts throwing herself about with lust, and the tentacle decides to invite itself in. That's pretty much when it goes from bad to hentai for Rape Victim because she starts putting up a fuss. Well the tentacles stop acting like a gentlemen. They throw her to the ground, and penetrate her. While all this is happening the Demon who summoned the buggers starts saying that:
"Resistance is futile you are trapped in my energy shield!" Because that awesome energy shield has done what up to this point? He could have trapped her in a paper bag, and the tentacles would still be doing their job. The Demon is probably really proud of it. ("I spend two semester studying those at the university, who is the Nerd now Fret Demons Muhahaha!)
Fun fact: You can actually hear that girls hymen being ripped apart, it was apparently made of paper.
Because the girl is apparently not being fucked up hard enough already the Demon decides to call in the cavalry, his great Commander King! (No he is not referring to his dick.)
Commander King shows up, and turns out to be a vampire turtle with a huge tongue for a cock.
Really? The guy looks like a Power Ranger Villain, who managed to also get into in the top ten of the sex offenders registry.
"So what it's a lifestyle choice!"
The tentacles start acting like gentlemen again, and offer the vagina to King Vampire Turtle. This teaches an important lesson to the kids, because sharing is important, and tentacles are still in the ass, so everyone gets a piece.
The tongue has the size of a traffic cone, so as it enters you hear something else rip, my guess is that it probably was the skin keeping Rape Victims vagina and rectum to separate things, and Vampire Turtle King just tasted that, plus blood, plus whatever a slimy tentacle that must have been up there for at least three minutes tastes like. All because his mother smoked crack while she was pregnant with him or something.
Fun fact: The thought that all three parties seem to be enjoying this just made me vomit in my mouth.
As the girl orgasms(WTF) she starts glowing blue, and some rune starts appearing on her stomach, also glowing blue (I find rather realistic when comparing it to the orgasm.)
The Demon says another bunch of irrelevant stuff, and spills a D grade evil laughter.
Just in time to have his cheek cut by one of Akira's "cut everything" wires (Horray, our hero arriving in time to survey the damsels gaping ass cunt. (That's the medical term.)
Fun fact: If you can still remember who the fuck Akira is you are on Ritalin.
Vampire Turtle King and his fantastic tongue dick are having an appearance later, so instead of being cut apart by the wires that were already wrapped around it, it pulls a kage bunshin (dissolves into smoke) and is not heard of until needed.
Why did Akira do that? Because he had to help somebody else? Because that awesome forcefield held him back? No. He does it because he does not like to see short brown haired girl upset. (Because one of your friends coming down with a case of gaping ass cunt isn't unsettling to a teenager at all).
Akira, probably because he has nothing better to do, unlike before he saved that girl, picks her up.
Scene. (You just know he won't be getting whatever slime, shit, and blood this girl is leaking out of his suit.)
Cut back to Demon being scolded by Bud Spencer in a Scientology style robe (I couldn't make this up if I tried).
"Two Fists against Supressive Persons!" (Hey I would join that cult if they had Bud Spencer, he's like Chuck Norris's cousin.)
Bud says that Demon has only been trouble. (It's not really his fault that Akira finished his Coffee faster than usual, and had the spare time to save that girl.)
He is interrupted by purple haired woman from the beginning of the film, and sadly for all the sweat freaks, she is no drenched. She says she will give him another chance (because they still have to fill fifteen minutes of film with this crap), and we get some more D grade evil laughing.
Meanwhile in the ACETC (Ass cunt Emergency Treatment Centre):
We see the school nurse trying to lower Rape Victim's fever by putting a cold towel on her head. What would this bitch do if Rape Victim had been shot in the foot instead of ripped open by a tongue the size of a fucking traffic cone, would School Nurse rub her neck with Aloe Vera?
Of course as a School Nurse she has to bitchily demand an explanation from Akira, probably because the left Rape Victim stuffed in his locker for three hours, because he had to go to the dentist. Well using her knowledge of medical science School Nurse determines that Rape Victim has in fact:
BEEN RAPED!!!
When she asks Akira, if he knows anything about that, he just says: "No, no it's not like that." (It does take some balls to claim to have raped somebody so hard, that they can now pick up traffic cones using only their genitals.)
"Uh, I kinda raped that chick my bad!"
After having established his dick doubles as a murder weapon Akria listens to some exposition, kindly provided by the School Nurse:
She has taken care of many rape victims in this ward (not that any of them have gotten better) but all of the raped girls seem to have disappeared shortly afterwards!
Akira more concerned with not giving a fuck than anything else calms the nurse down, saying she was thinking to much about this. (Yeah, now that you claimed to be the rapist, the lack of police involvement is probably very much to your likeing
Cut to:
Shot brown haired girl, and the rape victim are walking down a corridor when short brown haired girl's spider sense tingles, or something. So she has Rape Victim go ahead alone while she checks out the disturbance in the force. (Maybe it's Fengshui or something, asians are probably total furniture Jedi.) Rape victim turns around, and sees short brown haired girl walk through the fucking door, which gives Rape Victim a mental breakdown.
We see grey haired girl observe them, and learn from the Fire Demon (the one whose shlong makes fish retard centipede's eyes bug out) that her name is Hitomi and she hates short brown haired girl for some reason, (It really shows the quality of this Riff when I'm not even able to figure out WTF short brown haired girls name is, even though she is the main character) but she shuts him up by not changing her facial expression for five seconds.
Meanwhile inside of the awesome ENERGY FIELD!!!
Short brown haired girl is inside of the awesome ENERGY FIELD!!! (I am writing it like that because it is three o' clock in the morning, and I am getting bored of writing dick jokes. All caps always gives me the pick me up I need.)
Short brown haired girl asks herself what the purpose of this energy field coud be. (Take a wild guess.) We already see the tentacles hanging from the ceiling, like the buggers of a lung cancer patient (god I am really starting to suck now).
So Short Brown Haired girl bursts them by signing "Hail Satan", and staring at them evilly (So I guess tentacles and christian moms have a common weakness). They explode into precum, but non of it seems to hit short brown haired girl, so why the fuck did these things explode in the first place?
Next she meets Iron Mask who menaces her by staring almost as evilly as she when she took out the tentacles. Short brown haired girl says in shock and awe:
"This can't be you are from the land of death!"
France is more commonly referred to as the "Vagina of Europe" but, yeah I'll take it.
Well since short brown haired girl is in trouble now, so she uses her most powerful spell. (Apparently she doesn't shoot her magic post its but magic energy by forming the "fingerbang" gesture.)
All this accomplishes is to make Iron Masks robe flutter up to his hip.
"What does the Japanese girl say about his power Level (AKA:Dicksize) Vegeta?"
"It's over nine thousand!"
Awed by Iron Masks resistance to her powers, and his giant dick, Short Brown Haired Girl Takes a step back in fear. Only to see Iron Mask hover above the ground, carging, and firing his lazah eyes.
This throws Short Brown Haired Girl back, and knocks the wind out of her. Iron Mask then uses his lazah to pick her up and make her float to the ceiling (everything is coolah with da lazah).
Fun Fact:
Apperantly Bioware employees look no further than Hentai, if they need inspiration for weird Psy powers. (WTF? I guess it explains all that hot, and sweaty alien sex...)
Apparently realizing this he lets her fall down to the floor. (I would pay for a Cleanex anyone at that company jizzed into.) Then he picks her up again. (This reads, just about as boringly as it looks in the movie) He makes her float towards his dick. (You know give a guy lazer eyes and he can't even choke up the money for a BJ, cause he can get them usin da lazar).
Unsurprisingly she is saved in th
e last second by Hitomi who is so awesome that Iron Mask, makes a face like an insulted Drag queen and runs off, which is quite a daunting task, since the guy does not seem to have legs, exept his third one.
"WTF was that! Oh I am so giving up on girls!"
I guess you can't Evil the gay away either ask Buffelo Bill...
End of Part one!
I am currently starting to write this with the intention of not stopping until the night runs out of darkness.
I am going to riff the first Episode of Inma Seiden and my motivation is already waning but I have got Red Bull to back up my decision, and a pack of cigarettes so let's go.
In the first scene we see a probably thirty five year old woman doing some shinto ritual. In the American version she accomplishes this by mumbling like a demented Hobo (this is going to be a theme in the movie), and sweating as if she were sitting in a steam bath.
To ease the eyes she is wearing a view through garment (I generally like how some hentai brings you through the boring exposition parts by filling them with naked people), I also like the indication that there is a Shinto god who only answers to the prayers of sweaty women barley clinging onto their status of fuckable.
Then the fire roars for a quick moment half of the shrine catches fire, and purple haired women moans like a ninety year old enjoying the last fuck of her life, all while looking like zombie on meth.
"Whazzap!?"
Already reaching for your drug of choice?
Well that isn't all of it two spirits that look like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds if she did speed are shot into the heavens where they combine and shoot of into four directions.
Lightning strikes and the fates of four characters who will be faced with the epic struggle of getting enough character development to even justify a name. (They really are just a bunch of rape victims, magical rape, but rape non the less.)
We go back to Purple haired woman, she is looking like a heroin junkey after five hours of cold turkey in an hot air vent, and has this bit of cryptic wisdom for us:
"The Stars have landed." (So all zombies in the area better shuffle off, and get a job while they're at it! (They aren't all that intimidated by that claim, and show up later in the movie, because they own that neighborhood!))
(Fun Fact: We actually had to fly in that resident evil reference.)
Fade to white!
Cut to our one faithful companion the opening sequence! (He'll be with us all six episodes of this crap.)
First we see Short Brown Haired Girl attaching a spell written on a post it note (How else do they stick to the enemies?) to the head of what looks like, to put it in Miss Garrison's words: "The offspring of a fish's retard baby, that had butt sex with a centipede." (And it's yellow with evil red eyes!)
Of course since this is the opening sequence this magic post it explodes the shit out of the centipedes head. Another centipede sits in the background, doing nothing, and it's head also blows up, probably from surprise that it's wife just died. (Maybe that's how those magic post-its work? They just surprise enemies so much that their head blows up!)
"We are the reason cousins shouldn't marry!"
We see that this explosion was probably supposed to have been the result of glasses girl, doing something, probably killing something from two hundred yards away with mind bullets, that young nasty woman.
Next up is grey haired girl who gets spit fire by one of the centipedes, those things are really just explosions waiting to happen, well grey haired girl cuts the centipede (I really don't give a fuck anymore what these things are.) into four blocks, ready to be shipped off to the next chinese all you can eat. Since it already blew it's wad by spitting fire we get cheated out of an explosion.
We cut to two centipedes laying a barrage of fire on the incoming:
Fire Demon &
Water Demon
"I always wanted to see what five year olds would draw with a billion YEN budget!"
They currently are their fun size versions that the girls carry them around in but grow into full fledged demons half a second later, so even the people busy rubbing one out can get what is going on.
They basically fly into the centipedes faces, and kick them so hard that their heads become an explosion of blood. The centipede kicked by the fire demon literally has its eyes knocked out of its skull, or shell (or WTF I don't care, inter species retard breeding isn't my major) making it look like it's really surprised by something in the area of the demons crotch.
Then short brown haired girl jumps down from, whatever batman jumps down from when he faces villans on a skyscrapers rooftop, lands and does a "fingerbang" (South Park references all must go!) with her hand firing the post-it towards the camera(OK even I can't explain that one.). Beside her glasses and grey hair are striking poses as if this was an assembly of team rocket. (By the way if you think for one second that they will work together, at any moment without anybody forcing them you are dead wrong!
(There because it made my retard brain laugh...)
Then the demons pop in with a faster than the human eye to herald their epic speed and the fact that the animators wanted to cut this turd loose about as bad as I.
Then the name of the series gets burned into wood (yehaw).
Cut to a couple of girls talking about the fact that girls are being attacked! By a giant with a face mask! Named Iron Mask! Come to liberate france! Or rape japanese school girls, whatever fits his schedule better, I guess.
They all walk to the indoor swimming pool because they want to see Miss Carey swim! So they all cheer while we wait for this pointless scene to be over, the fact that the whole cheering is done by one person, and an unmotivated choir of background voices doesn't help.
We learn that Short Brown Haired Girl who seemingly got her hair dyed black just for the occasion congratulates her sister on dominating the competition so much that it was boring for the viewers, and humiliating for the other swimmers. Carey is helped out of the pool by her sister but is to busy to try wooing us with her looks, and her ability to stuff five pounds of hair under her bathing cap, to thank her.
As soon as she is done with that, and found the time to put on her glasses, she bitches at her sister for not showing up for the archery club. (As we will learn in consecutive installments this girl is a bitch, to the point of having to make up creative new ways of torture, just to fuck with her dad, and everyone else for that matter.)
Brown haired girl just tries to make up an excuse, as if we are supposed to believe anyone has the mental fortitude to keep up a conversation with Carey, and not utter the phrase: "I'll kill you bitch!" Two sentences into it. Of course her sister doesn't even react but instead sits down on the bench and starts looking like a severely catatonic cow in India.
It turns out brown haired girl and a rape victim (That gets it's first two seconds of awkward stuttering cleverly disguised as character development.) are looking for a class mate that went missing. Anyone remember Iron Mask, I guess he is going after the school girls.
Carey of course says that it was probably mister Iron Mask, showing she is a caring individual after all, as in caring how people die, but only if their deaths are horrible enough.
This pisses off short brown haired girl, and she runs of dragging rape victim behind her.
Carey wonders if she said something wrong, so she is so much of a bitch that she considers this normal behavior.
She decides to ask Bodai the water Demon she carries around, since bathing suits have no pockets I am guessing he was hiding where only a body cavity search could find him.
He says that Carey should be nicer, which is as effective as telling a rabid pit bull to protect an infant.
Carey then complains that Demons are showing a suspicious lot of activity these days (Not like the good old days where a girl could leave the house without being triple penetrated by tentacles.) causing rumors to spread.
So she starts addressing a spider as Akira. But any hopes that she has lost her mind, and will be put out of her misery by mandatory euthanasia, are destroyed when some grey haired Griffith looking dude answers the call:
"Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Spiderphone."
(Try getting it out of your head this time!!!)
He says he is worried about his lady AKA short brown haired girl. And says that Carey can't be her sister because she is way to straight laced. (I think they also can't be twins because Carey would have strangled her sister with the umbilical cord in an attempt to be friendly.
Cut to the women's rest room (finally).
Were a rape victim is bend over a sink making weird noises and sweating. And no, no goods are on display yet. Well because Shinto gods, and demons seem to be into that whole sweat thing it doesn't take long for one to show up. He has a pointless monologue, claiming that she must accept him. (That's asdfycdx (sorry I had to taser, and tie up Paris Hilton) the opposite of cold!)
She is literally taken aback by the statements he is making, and moves backwards into the middle of the room. (You know so she can be attacked from all sides.) Then the demon starts to use his hobo mumbling skills to summon:
A WARD OF EVIL MAGICS!!!(Also some tentacles.)
(For anyone who is still reading I am currently at the six minute mark.)
(And if anyone cares these are red tentacles that move like worms.)
Enjoy this safe for work picture of this WARD OF EVIL MAGICS! (Taken half a second before her blouse rips!!! (I am so proud of myself *sob*))
The fun part is that for a moment Rape Victim stands there with her legs spread apart looking at the tentacles with slight horror on her face (professional rapists know that's the most consent they are ever going to get). Then she tries to make a run for it but gets caught by a tentacle that has lubed up at this point (which is a pretty stupid even for rape tentacles, or pretty smart on Rape Victims part, because the lube makes it easier for her to slip out of their grasp) but still catch her with no difficulty at all (outsmarting tentacles... stupid school girl, that's just dumb...), and immediately start doing what they were drawn to do.
The tentacle actually stimulates her clit, which probably makes it the biggest gentleman of his species. So she starts throwing herself about with lust, and the tentacle decides to invite itself in. That's pretty much when it goes from bad to hentai for Rape Victim because she starts putting up a fuss. Well the tentacles stop acting like a gentlemen. They throw her to the ground, and penetrate her. While all this is happening the Demon who summoned the buggers starts saying that:
"Resistance is futile you are trapped in my energy shield!" Because that awesome energy shield has done what up to this point? He could have trapped her in a paper bag, and the tentacles would still be doing their job. The Demon is probably really proud of it. ("I spend two semester studying those at the university, who is the Nerd now Fret Demons Muhahaha!)
Fun fact: You can actually hear that girls hymen being ripped apart, it was apparently made of paper.
Because the girl is apparently not being fucked up hard enough already the Demon decides to call in the cavalry, his great Commander King! (No he is not referring to his dick.)
Commander King shows up, and turns out to be a vampire turtle with a huge tongue for a cock.
Really? The guy looks like a Power Ranger Villain, who managed to also get into in the top ten of the sex offenders registry.
"So what it's a lifestyle choice!"
The tentacles start acting like gentlemen again, and offer the vagina to King Vampire Turtle. This teaches an important lesson to the kids, because sharing is important, and tentacles are still in the ass, so everyone gets a piece.
The tongue has the size of a traffic cone, so as it enters you hear something else rip, my guess is that it probably was the skin keeping Rape Victims vagina and rectum to separate things, and Vampire Turtle King just tasted that, plus blood, plus whatever a slimy tentacle that must have been up there for at least three minutes tastes like. All because his mother smoked crack while she was pregnant with him or something.
Fun fact: The thought that all three parties seem to be enjoying this just made me vomit in my mouth.
As the girl orgasms(WTF) she starts glowing blue, and some rune starts appearing on her stomach, also glowing blue (I find rather realistic when comparing it to the orgasm.)
The Demon says another bunch of irrelevant stuff, and spills a D grade evil laughter.
Just in time to have his cheek cut by one of Akira's "cut everything" wires (Horray, our hero arriving in time to survey the damsels gaping ass cunt. (That's the medical term.)
Fun fact: If you can still remember who the fuck Akira is you are on Ritalin.
Vampire Turtle King and his fantastic tongue dick are having an appearance later, so instead of being cut apart by the wires that were already wrapped around it, it pulls a kage bunshin (dissolves into smoke) and is not heard of until needed.
Why did Akira do that? Because he had to help somebody else? Because that awesome forcefield held him back? No. He does it because he does not like to see short brown haired girl upset. (Because one of your friends coming down with a case of gaping ass cunt isn't unsettling to a teenager at all).
Akira, probably because he has nothing better to do, unlike before he saved that girl, picks her up.
Scene. (You just know he won't be getting whatever slime, shit, and blood this girl is leaking out of his suit.)
Cut back to Demon being scolded by Bud Spencer in a Scientology style robe (I couldn't make this up if I tried).
"Two Fists against Supressive Persons!" (Hey I would join that cult if they had Bud Spencer, he's like Chuck Norris's cousin.)
Bud says that Demon has only been trouble. (It's not really his fault that Akira finished his Coffee faster than usual, and had the spare time to save that girl.)
He is interrupted by purple haired woman from the beginning of the film, and sadly for all the sweat freaks, she is no drenched. She says she will give him another chance (because they still have to fill fifteen minutes of film with this crap), and we get some more D grade evil laughing.
Meanwhile in the ACETC (Ass cunt Emergency Treatment Centre):
We see the school nurse trying to lower Rape Victim's fever by putting a cold towel on her head. What would this bitch do if Rape Victim had been shot in the foot instead of ripped open by a tongue the size of a fucking traffic cone, would School Nurse rub her neck with Aloe Vera?
Of course as a School Nurse she has to bitchily demand an explanation from Akira, probably because the left Rape Victim stuffed in his locker for three hours, because he had to go to the dentist. Well using her knowledge of medical science School Nurse determines that Rape Victim has in fact:
BEEN RAPED!!!
When she asks Akira, if he knows anything about that, he just says: "No, no it's not like that." (It does take some balls to claim to have raped somebody so hard, that they can now pick up traffic cones using only their genitals.)
"Uh, I kinda raped that chick my bad!"
After having established his dick doubles as a murder weapon Akria listens to some exposition, kindly provided by the School Nurse:
She has taken care of many rape victims in this ward (not that any of them have gotten better) but all of the raped girls seem to have disappeared shortly afterwards!
Akira more concerned with not giving a fuck than anything else calms the nurse down, saying she was thinking to much about this. (Yeah, now that you claimed to be the rapist, the lack of police involvement is probably very much to your likeing
Cut to:
Shot brown haired girl, and the rape victim are walking down a corridor when short brown haired girl's spider sense tingles, or something. So she has Rape Victim go ahead alone while she checks out the disturbance in the force. (Maybe it's Fengshui or something, asians are probably total furniture Jedi.) Rape victim turns around, and sees short brown haired girl walk through the fucking door, which gives Rape Victim a mental breakdown.
We see grey haired girl observe them, and learn from the Fire Demon (the one whose shlong makes fish retard centipede's eyes bug out) that her name is Hitomi and she hates short brown haired girl for some reason, (It really shows the quality of this Riff when I'm not even able to figure out WTF short brown haired girls name is, even though she is the main character) but she shuts him up by not changing her facial expression for five seconds.
Meanwhile inside of the awesome ENERGY FIELD!!!
Short brown haired girl is inside of the awesome ENERGY FIELD!!! (I am writing it like that because it is three o' clock in the morning, and I am getting bored of writing dick jokes. All caps always gives me the pick me up I need.)
Short brown haired girl asks herself what the purpose of this energy field coud be. (Take a wild guess.) We already see the tentacles hanging from the ceiling, like the buggers of a lung cancer patient (god I am really starting to suck now).
So Short Brown Haired girl bursts them by signing "Hail Satan", and staring at them evilly (So I guess tentacles and christian moms have a common weakness). They explode into precum, but non of it seems to hit short brown haired girl, so why the fuck did these things explode in the first place?
Next she meets Iron Mask who menaces her by staring almost as evilly as she when she took out the tentacles. Short brown haired girl says in shock and awe:
"This can't be you are from the land of death!"
France is more commonly referred to as the "Vagina of Europe" but, yeah I'll take it.
Well since short brown haired girl is in trouble now, so she uses her most powerful spell. (Apparently she doesn't shoot her magic post its but magic energy by forming the "fingerbang" gesture.)
All this accomplishes is to make Iron Masks robe flutter up to his hip.
"What does the Japanese girl say about his power Level (AKA:Dicksize) Vegeta?"
"It's over nine thousand!"
Awed by Iron Masks resistance to her powers, and his giant dick, Short Brown Haired Girl Takes a step back in fear. Only to see Iron Mask hover above the ground, carging, and firing his lazah eyes.
This throws Short Brown Haired Girl back, and knocks the wind out of her. Iron Mask then uses his lazah to pick her up and make her float to the ceiling (everything is coolah with da lazah).
Fun Fact:
Apperantly Bioware employees look no further than Hentai, if they need inspiration for weird Psy powers. (WTF? I guess it explains all that hot, and sweaty alien sex...)
Apparently realizing this he lets her fall down to the floor. (I would pay for a Cleanex anyone at that company jizzed into.) Then he picks her up again. (This reads, just about as boringly as it looks in the movie) He makes her float towards his dick. (You know give a guy lazer eyes and he can't even choke up the money for a BJ, cause he can get them usin da lazar).
Unsurprisingly she is saved in th
e last second by Hitomi who is so awesome that Iron Mask, makes a face like an insulted Drag queen and runs off, which is quite a daunting task, since the guy does not seem to have legs, exept his third one.
"WTF was that! Oh I am so giving up on girls!"
I guess you can't Evil the gay away either ask Buffelo Bill...
End of Part one!
Why I have gone TXT?
Well first of all I can't talk worth shit when creativity hits me, my brain is in overdrive, and I can't explain to people what the fuck I am trying to say.
In text I can think about what the hell I am going to write, it's a world of difference.
I also have to reread everything I write because I am notorious for making mistakes, and I also add stuff to the text as I go about making it legible.
So I will sometimes be adding stuff that is to far out to come up with the first time around (fucked up shit).
WTF IZ RUFFIUNG U QUEERBOTZ LOL
Well let me explain it to you spastic man with a stuck CAPS LOCK key.
Riffing is when you take a movie and make fun of it, every scene all movie long.
The idea came to people after going to a movie and thinking right after going home, damn if I had said that during the movie it would have been soooo funney.
Well I am retarded enough to attempt to spend around twenty hours of my life coming up with this kind of shit and then posting the whole thing here for you to consume.
Have a nice day:) ( =>)°( )
In text I can think about what the hell I am going to write, it's a world of difference.
I also have to reread everything I write because I am notorious for making mistakes, and I also add stuff to the text as I go about making it legible.
So I will sometimes be adding stuff that is to far out to come up with the first time around (fucked up shit).
WTF IZ RUFFIUNG U QUEERBOTZ LOL
Well let me explain it to you spastic man with a stuck CAPS LOCK key.
Riffing is when you take a movie and make fun of it, every scene all movie long.
The idea came to people after going to a movie and thinking right after going home, damn if I had said that during the movie it would have been soooo funney.
Well I am retarded enough to attempt to spend around twenty hours of my life coming up with this kind of shit and then posting the whole thing here for you to consume.
Have a nice day:) ( =>)°( )
Inma Seiden
The first movie to step up to the chopping block is Inma Seiden.
If you want me to explain, what it's plot is about, here is a fool proof method to understand it perfectly:
Roll yourself fourty heroin cigarettes out of splooged on underage magical girl hentai mangas, and smoke 'em.
Then it makes about as much sense to you as the script writer.
Well it's mostly high school with a dark magic cabal, demons, tentacles and other random crap.
The whole plot is full of holes, and not even problems in the script writers logic, but rather a fucking tendency to leave out parts that might make us give a shit about the chick getting tentacle fucked on screen.
They also tried to put in a little comic relief here and there by making demons able to shrink down to pocked sized versions of themselves and be carried around.
Now imagine this kawai looking demon going "Just let me rape you already, no matter how long you dally, I am going to fucking rape you anyways."
I think that's not all that funny (or at least my weak human side does so), it's not how the pedophiles do it either.
(I just got this mental picture of a pedophile getting mad at the child for wasting too much time.
("This is your second Ice Cream! Suck my dick already!"))
The production values are pretty good, the series becomes digitally animated around the fourth installment. However the intro stays the same from episode one.
(Screen cap at the beginning.)
("Recycle! Watch magical girl Anime.(Sailor Moon for a greener America!))
Some scenes just wallow in WTF where for example La Blue Girl tried to explain the tentacle sex by attatching the tentacles to demons, which was fine by me.
Inma Seiden is having them appear out of fucking nothing. WTF?
(And don't call me a nerd for even giving a fuck.)
(Maybe they have a bunch of glory holes in the carnal hells leading directly to this highschool.)
There must be a logical explaination for this! For only one thing in the realm of Anime can create from nothing a:
PHILOSOPHER'S STONE!!!!
EDWARD ELRICK FULL TENTACLE RAPIST!!!!
((Wynry is gonna get a surprise when she comes to check on him...) (Now if they only could get that automail legged dog involved somehow...) (And just for kicks have Jax from Mortal Combat join the fun!))
(What Tentacles, Dogs, and well hung colored gentlemen? Sounds like fun on the bun to me!)
Stay tuned for the review and have a nice day!
Well it's good to finally get going!
Well I am now going to submitting reviews in movie riffing style, which is just me making fun of every freaking scene in a bloody hentai movie. This blog will feature in depth reviews right from a school primarily inhabited by catholic school girls. Well guess who is not getting some L.A.I.D. I can pretty much just do a Love Hina on my shit at this point.
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